Dear Alex,
I’ve been dating my partner for about a year, and while things in the bedroom are definitely not boring, they have the potential to be much more exciting. How do I introduce spicier ideas into our relationship without scaring my partner away?
Thanks!
Although we are usually comfortable expressing what we want to do with our partners out in the world, it’s always harder to add items to your sexual to-do list. This is often because we are worried that our significant others will either judge us or wonder why we aren’t satisfied without extra mumbo jumbo. However, there’s a simple process that can help you ask your lusty lover to think about incorporating some new stuff into humpy time!
Step one: Remember, the way to make sexy suggestions to your special someone is not to apologize or negatively prepare them for the question. No “you might think this is weird but…” or “I have to ask you something, but you might not like it…” Cross that shit off your notecards. You aren’t telling them bad news; you’re making a suggestion that they, as your trusted partner, should at least entertain. After all, your partner should want to please you, and if this will do the trick, they may end up enjoying it even more than you do!
Step two: Do not ask before, in the middle of, or right after sexual activity. The moment could get really heated (as if it wasn’t already) and could end in questions, anger and confusion. Ask in a neutral place. That way, you can have a level-minded discussion and give the askee time to think about your request before springing into action.
So what are our options when it comes to getting spicy? We can incorporate role-playing, dirty talking, sex toys and kink to add a little more flavor to the bedroom. Some of these can get a little expensive, however, so here’s a small summary of some cheap-o sexy time additives.
For a how-to on role-playing, see my last article (online on The Cardinal’s webpage).
When it comes to dirty talk, an easy way to get your partner talking in bed is by asking questions! It can be anything from “you like that, baby?” to “how does that feel?” Asking yes or no questions allows people to get comfortable using their mouths to articulate thought instead of just licking, sucking, etc. Asking people to describe the sensations they’re experiencing is another easy way to get them talking; they don’t have to think and the answers are right in front of them! If you want to start the rhetoric yourself, try describing pieces of your five senses. “I love hearing your body slap against mine” or “you look so hot when you get sweaty.”
Sex toys are a little bit more complex because they require a little bit of research and a little bit of money. Luckily for us Madisonians, there’s a sex toy boutique called “A Woman’s Touch” right on the bus line! The employees are both welcoming and helpful, and can assist you in finding what will work best for your partner and yourself. They will likely suggest a couple’s sex toy, of which there are many options, and they can all enrich your bedtime activities!
Enhancing your sex life with a little bit of bondage or domination can really do the trick, and can be fun to try out with a partner. Starting small can help each person figure out what they enjoy; perhaps begin with some light spanking or holding your partner down while you have your way with them. Although it can be very exciting to be tied up or flog your partner, baby steps can help everyone involved find their limits and get a feel for what they enjoy.
None of these actions should begin without discussion of parameters, and a safe word for kink. A safe word can be anything (my favorite is “Santorum,” which manages to kill the mood every time) that lets your partner know that you are done with the activity you were engaged in and need to stop. This isn’t something to joke about, and if it is said during any activity, both partners must stop immediately. This goes for all of the above activities. Be considerate and careful before deciding to do anything new, as it could poorly affect the comfort level of you or your partner.
What if my partner is really averse to my suggestion? If this is the case, remember that not every way to “spice it up” involves different actions with sometimes intimidating labels. Do simple things instead, like prolonging your foreplay until the two of you can’t stand but jump some bones. Even wearing different undergarments can create new and exciting visual stimulation. Get creative and think outside of the box!
Email Alex at sex@dailycardinal.com with your questions.
