Aubrey Drake Graham was reincarnated in the form of award-winning rapper/actor/activist, Common’s, 47-pound female bulldog, named Heidi, after he suddenly died last week from a severe allergic reaction to the grass on his front lawn while absent-mindedly walking barefoot outside his home in Ontario.
Drake, while still a human, was primarily known for his role as a supporting actor on the TV teen-drama “Degrassi” but also dabbled in the art of song-writing, making a popular, but ultimately, regrettable stint in the rap-music scene.
During his time in the limelight, Drake did manage to elevate his crew’s catchphrase/acronym, YOLO (“You only live once”), to a level of national recognition and circulation. This expression may very well have been Drake’s artistic masterpiece, and its hyper-explosive acceptance in popular culture brought him to a previously unknown level of celebrity status.
Now, having had his memory wiped clean by the Samsaric-cycle of rebirth, Drake spends the entirety of his waking hours waddling around the lush bachelor pad of his lyrical-genius benefactor, waiting for the rap-god to slop foul-smelling food into his bowl, or open the back door so he can use the bathroom.
Currently, Heidi has pooped on the carpet only twice when she was locked in her kennel, for approximately two hours, and pissed all over the kitchen floors a shocking three times.
At first glance, Heidi appears happy to be living under the gracious supervision of such a world-renowned musical artist, but if one stares at her long enough, a deep sense of existential frustration and ironic confusion permeates her lumpy, flea-ridden body.
At press time, Heidi was showing off her new tricks, ranging from absent-minded high-fives to pathetic, half-completed barrel rolls. Despite the lackluster performance, Common gave Heidi a large milkbone, which she ate in seconds.
