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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 24, 2024

APRIL FOOLS': Ward prepares for week of ‘booze, biddies and beaches’

Chancellor David Ward left Madison Wednesday morning, several days earlier than expected, for his annual spring break trip to Panama City Beach, Florida.

“Adios, bitches!!!” shouted Ward through the window of an airport taxi as he chucked the deuce and sloppily shotgunned a Corona. “Spring break 2012, no regrets! Woooooooo!”

According to several sources, in the past few weeks Ward has been preparing himself for this year’s excursion with extra enthusiasm.

“I think the warmer weather we’ve been having has really gotten him into the spirit of spring break, more so than in previous years,” said Ward’s assistant Mary Watson.

“Up until Tuesday night he refused to wear anything around the office except for a leopard-print Speedo and a sombrero. And I don’t think I’ll ever get the song ‘It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere’ out of my head,” she said. “He had it on repeat for literally seven hours yesterday while blending piña coladas for the staff.”

Watson also revealed that last Friday Ward called up ex-UW chancellor Biddy Martin to see if she wanted to take a short trip to Madison for a game of “chicken” with him in Lake Mendota against Badger Athletics director Barry Alvarez and Dean of Students Lori Berquam.

Martin declined, saying she had to finish bedazzling her flabongo before she left for Cancun the next day.

Ward has reportedly been sporting a tanner skin tone in the past two weeks as well.

“So what if I go fake-baking? I need a solid base tan. The ladies love a guy with a bronze glow,” said Ward, ears white with extra layers of sunscreen, when caught walking out of TanWorld this past weekend.

The latest incident involving Ward occurred Wednesday night when he e-mailed several of his staff members a picture.

The photo, whose caption was blank except for the phrase “YOLO,” showed Ward at the top of a human pyramid, double-fisting margaritas and totally oblivious to both a crab pinching his nose and a plastered UW freshman who is about to puke up a daiquiri behind him.

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