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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, February 29, 2024

April Fools: Global warming to provide overall benefits to state of Wis.


As new data emerges regarding the impact of global warming on coastal states, Midwest states like Wisconsin celebrate their higher ground.

With global temperatures rising at a rate much faster than expected, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security now predicts that sea levels could rise as much as 500 feet by 2050 and 1200 feet by 2100. An official state of disaster has been declared for coastal states such as Florida, New England, Louisiana and California, where as many as 200 million people could become displaced.

As the east, west and gulf coasts of the U.S. are in peril, the Midwest seems to be rejoicing. Secretary of the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources Cathy Strepp commented on the implications of this new information at a press conference yesterday.

“This global warming might be the best thing that has ever happened to Wisconsin. The global warming crisis will potentially help the state become the national economic leader,” Strepp said.

A research study led by Strepp and Vice-Chair of the Wisconsin Economic Development Corporation Dan Ariens, revealed unseen benefits to Midwestern states. Property values along the west side of Wisconsin and other states will increase because the properties will eventually have an ocean view versus a Lake Michigan view.

“Door County will become the new Martha’s Vineyard and Milwaukee the new Miami!” UW-Madison student and Wisconsin resident Steven Kostrovsky said.

Not only will Wisconsin maintain its prestige in the corn and dairy industries, but also in the seafood, shipping and tourism now that Florida will cease to exist. Gas prices are actually predicted to decrease because the U.S. will be able to search and drill for oil and other natural resources in the previously frozen continent of Antarctica.

“The economic boom predicted to result from this is unbelievable, unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” Strepp said. “However, the people of Wisconsin should not be concerned about overcrowding or unemployment resulting from the wave of refugees coming from the coasts.”

The study’s board of directors has worked collaboratively with Newt Gingrich to come up with a solution to the displacement of all coastal residents. The proposed plan is to send the refugees to the moon and set up the first U.S. colony there.

“This is the golden opportunity America has been waiting for since the end of the space age,” Gingrich said.

As for the state debt problems, they’re virtually solved, the study claims. The increased average temperatures will cause very mild winters, therefore eliminating the need for snow plows and salt. It is estimated that this could end up saving the state up to $30 million per year.

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How would this massive environmental shift directly affect UW-Madison? With most of the Ivy League and UNC underwater, UW-Madison will rise to become the top university in the nation academically with the number one college newspaper.

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