I have zero acting or singing ability, and thus my chances of becoming a celebrity are slim to none. I'm generally OK with this fact. It is a given these days that if you have any modicum of fame, Star Magazine will print a gigantic picture of the cellulite in your butt on its cover with the tagline ""Which celebrity has let herself go?"" I don't find that prospect too terribly appealing.
That said, my not being a movie star means one sacrifice that I have had an especially difficult time grappling with: I will never appear on James Lipton's ""Inside the Actor's Studio."" Never will I see my name listed among Julia, Meryl and the show's countless other esteemed guests (Bradley Cooper being the obvious exception).
For some, this may seem like a random aspiration, but to them I say, ""Have you seen James Lipton's beard?"" Nah, I know it is a peculiar fantasy, but I can't help it. I have always had a fascination with celebrity.
Beyond reading trashy gossip magazines—I'm the world's best journalism student—my favorite procrastination technique is surfing YouTube for old Academy Award acceptance speeches. Seriously, I've seen Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's acceptance speech for Best Screenplay for ""Good Will Hunting"" at least 20 times. It was not until the 11th viewing that I was able to control my blubbering. There is something about complete dreamboats thanking their moms that gets to me.
Ridiculous, yes, but speeches like that one inspire me to give my hairbrush a double-life far better than most Conair products are privy to. (You're disgusting. I'm referring to it being used as a stand-in Oscar. Get your mind out of the gutter.) Eventually, this fairly common fantasy grew into a desire to be on ""Inside the Actor's Studio,"" because—if we are being honest—who doesn't want to talk about how awesome they are for an hour's time?
But, as has already been established, I will never be Kate Winslet's equivalent, so I will answer James' infamous questions here, because being a columnist for this here Daily Cardinal is likely the biggest taste of fame I will ever get. Sigh.
""Inside the Actor's Studio"" featuring Jacqueline O'Reilly:
Q: What is your favorite word?
A: Anything so long as it is said with an English accent, preferably Jim Sturgess'.
Q: What is your least favorite word?
A: Pussy. Reason one: misogyny. Reason two: Tom Jones.
Q: What turns you on?
A: I could say something explicit, but I've written far too many columns my parents can't read, so let's go with men.
Q: What turns you off?
A: The fact that nothing will move me to euphoria the way Scholastic Book Club did as a kid. In other news, growing up blows.
Q: What sound or noise do you most love?
A: The opening music for ""Mad Men."" It is almost as sexy as Jon Hamm.
Q: What sound or noise do you most hate?
A: The shrill scream of my brain cells dying whenever someone tries to explain the merits of vegetarianism. OMG I KNOW BUT BACON.
Q: What is your absolute favorite curse word?
A: I can drop an f-bomb with the best of them, but I especially enjoy the comical appeal of asshat.
Q: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
A: Tina Fey. I would like to attempt the profession of being Tina Fey because that is a thing.
Q: What profession would you not like to do?
A: Proctologist. Somebody has to do it. I would just prefer it not be me.
Q: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A: Welcome! Here is your complimentary English bulldog.
Find yourself practicing your acceptance speech with your Conair hairbrush as well? Share your answers for James Lipton's ""Inside the Actor's Studio"" questionnarie with Jacqueline at jgoreilly@wisc.edu.
