So he finally did it. President Barack Hussein Obama II released his long-form birth certificate to the American public Wednesday amid relentless scrutiny over his natural-born citizenship. Thank God. Now I can rest easy, knowing my president was born in Hawaii.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next birther, but I often find myself asking what the end game is for presidential skeptics. I mean, did Donald Trump expect the White House to release a birth certificate indicating our president was born in Kenya? Did Fox News think Obama would admit he forged his documents? Of course not, they know better.
Well then, what was the real goal here? Surely it wasn't to reignite the undying flames of xenophobic hatred in the same demographic that didn't want a black, supposedly Muslim president back in 2008. (Did I mention his middle name is Hussein? And don't forget, his father was born in Kenya.) Surely taking advantage of American xenophobia to influence the 2012 elections wasn't the goal here. Surely not.
Well, I'm just glad he put it out there for every American to see. Democracy demands transparency, dammit. I mean, when Obama's campaign released his birth certificate on the Internet back in 2008, that just wasn't enough. After all, it could have easily been a fraud. You've heard of Photoshop, right?
Now that I've got my tinfoil hat on, why not go all the way? Our assumptions couldn't have been that far off base about the original birth certificate, since Obama was compelled so easily to release another one. This is important stuff, America. Trillions in debt, wars all over the globe, unemployment up the wazoo with the threat of a government shutdown, but so what? None of that matters if our president can't show us a piece of paper confirming his birth on American soil.
But wait just a minute. Who can actually verify this certificate isn't a phony as well? The 2012 presidential voters, er, I mean American people, need more concrete evidence. If anything, we need footage of Obama's mother, mid-thrust, waving a Hawaiian flag with volcanoes erupting in the background—the tapes preferably signed and dated by Ronald Reagan. That should do it.
Come to think of it, what's so American about Hawaii, anyway? It only became a state in 1959, and Obama allegedly was born there less than two years later. That's cutting it pretty close if you ask me. If Abraham Lincoln was born in Hawaii, he couldn't have been president. So why do we make exceptions for Obama?
Take this birth certificate for what it's worth: a Republican victory. If not for Trump's persistence, the American people wouldn't even have this much to believe in. It's called ""getting things done,"" America. If Trump can get this much accomplished before he's even in office, just think of the possibilities.
In his White House address Wednesday, the president continuously referred to the birth-certificate drama as ""silly."" Really, Mr. President? Really? Is violating the constitution ""silly"" now? Why did it take two years for you to address this issue again after you addressed this issue two years ago? Is this what America is coming to? Is nothing sacred anymore?
Only time will tell if the American people buy the president's half-hearted attempt at easing our fears. Next thing you know we'll be living in a socialist world where birth certificates are just pieces of paper given away to anybody. Obama might have won this birth battle, but the 2012 presidential war has just begun.
Dan Tollefson is a senior majoring in English and Economics. The Daily Cardinal welcomes all feedback. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com
