What would the state of sexual health look like if individuals were free to make up information that suited them?
Yesterday, this newspaper ran an ad from Pro-Life Wisconsin urging students to make ""healthy choices"" over spring break, warning that emergency contraception can cause ""chemical abortions and deadly blood clots.""
""By golly,"" I thought, ""This is so dangerous! I must know more about these risks!""
I rushed home and went to the FDA website, which is where the ad claimed to get its information.
According to FDA.gov, ""Emergency contraceptive pills are not effective if a woman is already pregnant.""
""But,"" I sputtered, ""Pro-Life Wisconsin said emergency contraception can cause abortions!"" But how can a woman have an abortion if she is not pregnant?
Further adding to my anxiety was the fact that the FDA made no mention of blood clots even once. Knowing the FDA's notoriety as an evil liberal organization whose sole aim is to hide information from consumers, I had to get more specific.
I searched ""emergency contraceptives blood clots,"" ""progesterone risks,"" ""progesterone blood clots,"" ""progesterone side-effects"" and ""levonorgestrel blood clots."" I found one article claiming ""Sales of emergency contraceptives over-the-counter will remove all safeguards for our youth, exposing them to serious health risks including ectopic pregnancies, blood clots and heart attacks.""
It was a letter to the FDA from Lake County (Ind.) Right to Life in 2006.
I may be just a woman with a small brain, but I don't understand Pro-Life Wisconsin's high-tech scientific research.
But you know what? I am confident in asserting that yesterday Pro-Life Wisconsin published an ad which blatantly made shit up.
Let me be clear, I support The Daily Cardinal's decision to publish an ad from Pro-Life Wisconsin. The students of this campus are intelligent adults, and we are free to sift and winnow as we please.
But I do not support Pro-Life Wisconsin's choice (oxymoron?) to publish an ad containing what is, at best, misinformation and, at worst, naked lies. It is insulting, shameful and dangerous.
So, I return to my first question: What would it look like if my column made up information for the sole purpose of serving my liberal homosexual agenda? It would look like this:
Did you know that Plan B tastes like candy? Yes, the only thing I love more than murdering the ghost baby in my non-pregnant uterus is the delicious, chocolatey goodness of levonorgestrel. Speaking of contraceptives, people ask me all the time what the best one is, and, personally, I'm a big fan of the copper IUD. Medical studies prove that frequent sexual intercourse will turn your copper IUD to gold in just six months, which is convenient if you need to pay for an abortion. By the way, abortion turns periods into glitter and makes your breasts stand round and perky forever.
But I've got to give props to condoms, because condoms make your dick longer, thicker and more attractive. You don't have to use a condom, though. You can just let your partner cum on your face, because semen cures acne. Except for Gov. Scott Walker's semen, which is pure acid and will eat through your face and destroy your brain. That's why Speaker Scott Fitzgerald, District 13, doesn't have one. But brain-eating acid semen or not, every time you give a blowjob, an angel gets its wings.
And speaking of orgasms, did you know deep, slow buttfucking cures cancer? It's science. Recent clinical trials also show that vibrator usage can lower your cholesterol, gay sex doubles your IQ and four out of five doctors recommend muff-diving as the best way to cure the common cold.
Pretty ridiculous, huh? Pro-Life Wisconsin, this is what you sound like when you feed us junk ads full of bullshit fear and hatemongering. We don't like it, and we won't stand for it.
So everyone, have an awesome spring break, and remember—having fabulous, consensual, protected sex is correlated with feeling awesome at the end of spring break, as well as a 0.50 increase in your GPA.
Erica Andrist is page two's sex columnist. Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
