With all of the reality TV shows on these days, I tend to stick to one faithful channel—The Food Network. It is the only channel that never makes me wonder, ""What is happening to American culture?"" and ""When did we all became such mindless simpletons?"" I mean, honestly, how can anyone seriously feel the need to drop everything he or she is doing to tune into ""The Real World"" every SINGLE Monday night at 9 p.m.? I can predict exactly what is going to happen: Amanda, the house trollop, slept with Terrance and now there is tension looming throughout the house. Then, the prick comes home with some floozy he met at the bar that night, and Amanda spends the night with Molly, the good girl from a farm who didn't drink until she came on the show, spying on Terrance and his new tart (of course the camera goes into night vision mode and all you see are some ruffling sheets and a few lines across the screen that say something like: ""No one's listening, calm down."") The next morning, she confronts him, and Sarah, the girl who don't take shit from no one, backs Amanda up, resulting in Terrance getting bitch slapped and a proliferation of people dropping f bombs. Shocking.
Whatever happened to shows like ""Arrested Development?"" How in the name of all that is holy did that show only last three seasons?! Why the hell weren't people tuning in to see Lucille drinking martinis at 9 a.m. while her thirty-something year old son Buster begs for a juice box and fights with their adopted Korean son, Annyong, for attention from their mommy? Or when Tobias and Lindsay file for divorce because Tobias is a never-nude and can't land an acting gig for the life of him? How about when George Michael and Maeby think they aren't cousins, so they hook up? Seriously, any film or TV show with Jason Bateman is fricken fantastic, and I fully intend to open up a ""Bluth Frozen Banana Stand"" of my own because a chocolatey, frozen banana sprinkled with nuts is just sheer genius.
Even more disappointing is the fact that ""Summer Heights High"" only had ONE season. Excuse me, what? How could a show in which one man plays the role of Ja'ime, a private school biotch, Mr. G, a quirky and incredibly offensive music teacher, and Jonah, a punk middle school kid whose language is appalling is just down right entertaining. Just to quote a few memorable lines from the show…
Ja'mie: ""Wife beaters and rapists are nearly all public-school educated. Sorry, no offense, but it's true.""
Jonah: ""Puck you miss!"" ""Are you on your period miss?""
Mr. G: ""She's a naughty girl with a bad habit, bad habit for drugs. She's a party girl with a bad habit, bad habit for drugs. Ecstasy, Ecstasy, E E E E, Ecstasy!"" (From the school musical).
Need I say more? Please, if you haven't seen this show, get it on Netflix ASAP. I promise you won't be disappointed.
The single greatest travesty to happen to television in the past decade, though, is the replacement of Nickelodeon's classic cartoons with ""iCarly,"" ""Big Time Rush"" and other ridiculously corny shows with awkward pre-teens that are singer/actor/dancers, but are not very good at any of those careers. How I cherish the days of waking up at 7 a.m. to catch ""Rugrats"" (before they were ‘all grown up'), followed by ""AHHH!"" ""Real Monsters"" and ""CatDog"" while eating a fat bowl of Count Chocula. Then in the afternoon, after heatin' up some gourmet Chef Boyardee ravioli or Mac n' Cheese in the microwave, I'd settle into the couch for a solid four hours of ""The Wild Thornberries.""
Now the only good show still left is ""Spongebob Squarepants,"" and the first few seasons were hands down exceptionally better. How do you top the ""Pizza Delivery,"" ""Snowball Effect,"" or ""Squeaky Boots?"" And ""Squidville,"" ""F.U.N.,"" and ""Idiot Box?!"" Brilliance like that can't be topped.
Today, I stick with ""Giada at Home"" and ""Paula's Best Dishes,"" because at least with those shows, I learn something other than who slept with whom, and who didn't get a rose on ""The Bachelor."" For realz, I can't take another series of ""The Real Housewives of New Jersey"" or ""American Idol."" And I loathe the day I notice there's a new season of ""Bad Girls Club,"" with trash-mouthed and, shall we say ""loose,"" twenty-something year old girls showing their hooters and kaslopis to the whole bar on a stripper pole.
You should be able to infer what ""kaslopis"" means. If not, consult Chelsea Handler. If you want to chat about your favorite Food Network shows, consult Rebecca at alt2@wisc.edu.
