My partner and I have so far only been having oral sex, which is great. No problems there. Recently, he told me he wants to try anal. I have no problems with this in theory, but when we tried it, I completely froze up. I don't know how to explain it, but I just got so nervous … and we ended up just going to bed. How can I over come this?
—Really Excellent Advice Requested
I am pretty impressed that it took until February for somebody to ask about anal. Maybe anal is old news now, but back in my undergraduate days...
Anyway, my first suggestion for overcoming your fear, REAR, is to spend a bit of time thinking about why you may have reacted in the way that you did. It's certainly not your fault you reacted to a sexual stimulus in a negative way; our reactions to stimuli are not always controllable or predictable, and really, they are only problematic when it's a stimulus to which we would prefer to respond positively.
However, when it comes to anal, we have some pretty ingrained social stigmas. Porn has anal sex everywhere, and it looks like it could be awesome. But golly, I poop from there. And despite the fact that heterosexual couples experiment with anal play at rates similar to same-sex couples, we also have a strong association of anal sex with gay sex. If we identify as straight, that may create some cognitive dissonance.
That internal conflict doesn't generally make for good sexual experiences. Neither of those particular factors may be at play in your situation, REAR, but while conscious recognition of our biases may not make them totally go away, being aware of them can sometimes help us control the degree to which they, uh, penetrate our thinking.
Further, if you identify a factor that may have played a role in your response, see if there are ways you might be able to address it. For example, if you realize you've got this poop fear, perhaps you could have a bowel movement and/or take a shower prior to sex.
Maybe you could also use the Google machine to read up on the ubiquity of oral-fecal contact. If you gave your cat or dog a kiss on the nose today (which I did), or if you pushed the buttons in a public elevator (check), or if you scratched your butt and didn't wash your hands afterwards (…maybe), odds are pretty good that you got poop particles on your hand, and then in your mouth. So chew on that for a while.
Seriously, though, despite all that poop-chewing, you're fine. We're fine. Immune systems are rad. And while it is possible to contract infections from oral-fecal contact, I'll just say that I'd give a partner a rim job over letting them put their fingers in my mouth any day of the week.
Next, remove penetration from the equation. You don't specify this in your e-mail, but my guess is that by ""try anal,"" you mean your partner would like to try anal penetration. But try starting with other activities.
The reason anal sex is so enjoyable for many people is because of the huge amount of innervation in and around your ass. Think about it—without anal innervation, you wouldn't have great control over your bowel movements, and from an evolutionary standpoint, poor bowel control is disadvantageous—whether you're hunting a gazelle or sitting in lecture, it's ideal to be able to control when you go.
Stimulation of all those nerves can equal mega pleasure. Try the aforementioned rim job (oral sex on the anus), or massaging or using a vibrator around the anal opening. This will pack the double benefit of helping your muscles relax, preparing the ass for penetration if/when you decide to try it and helping you begin to identify your anus as a pleasure zone.
Any column on anal sex would be incomplete without the mention of lube. Your ass doesn't lubricate itself, so pretty much no matter what you're doing—penetration or external stimulation—adding lube is going to be beneficial.
Finally, you cannot force anal sex. I hear ""Hips Don't Lie"" was just a radio edit—the song actually goes ""Your Ass Don't Lie,"" because if you're nervous and your ass is tense, give it up. It's over.
Anal sex should not be a goal, or something to ""work up to."" The activities I listed are not just warmups or consolation prizes—they are boner fide sexual activities that people enjoy in and of themselves. Listen to your body, allow it to experience sensations positive and negative and, most importantly, adjust appropriately when something doesn't feel right.
Well, REAR, I'm not sure I lived up to your request of ""really excellent advice,"" but I tried real hard. Best of luck, friend—I hope everything turns out beyond your wildest fantasies.
Sex questions? Send them to sex@dailycardinal.com.
