In light of the fact that both of my roommates' boy toys are currently over at our apartment right now and Valentine's Day is looming on the horizon, I thought this column would be appropriate. Unlike many single females roaming the streets on Valentine's Day with a box of half eaten chocolates in one hand and a bottle of wine and ""The Notebook"" in the other, I will not harbor bitter resentment about flyin' solo.
There will be a full box of Kleenex next to my bed. The box of chocolates and bottle of wine will be gone, but not because of a gloom and doom attitude. They will be empty because I have self-control issues and you cannot eat one of those delectable delicacies without wolfing down the rest within 10 minutes. And really, a bottle of wine is only made for one.
I don't really understand why some individuals, both lovers and loners alike, make such a production over Valentine's Day. It is simply another day that just happens to be filled with hearts, teddy bears, flowers and sappy Hallmark cards with ridiculous phrases like ""I love you just the way you are"" everywhere you turn. If you happen to be in the loner category and your heart crumbles every time you catch a glimpse of an absurdly good-looking couple holding hands, I have a quick no-fuss antidote.
Simply pull out a Sweetheart and read the phrase out loud to yourself because chances are you will get one that says, ""Fax Me"" or ""Tweet Me,"" and if that doesn't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will.
This Valentine's Day, I am going to spoil myself rotten not because I need to fill some void that is lacking a 20-something-year-old man with dark, brooding eyes and a body like a pro soccer player. I'm going to indulge because damnit, I work hard and as Destiny's Child once said ""I'm a survivor,"" and I don't need no man to complete me! I am going to treat myself to an evening of wining and dining (all of which I have made and/or purchased myself) complete with a giant heart of Russell Stover chocolate from Walgreens and one of my personal favorites: ""The Big Lebowski."" I'm thinkin' I'll spend the extra few dollars and upgrade from my standard box of Franzia Sunset Blush to the more luxurious Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc.
Maybe once I've got a solid buzz, rather than pass out in my bunk filled with those little brown chocolate wrappers and my mouth hanging wide open expelling the faint odor of Barefoot wine and coconut goodness, I'll stroll on over to one of my roommate's dates.
I've never really had the problem of feeling like the third wheel. If anything, I think its more awkward for the couple because for the most part, all they want is to canoodle without my immature giggles or trivial commentary on the featured film or the weather. So maybe I'll just nibble on some of their appetizers, sing a little karaoke piece if the opportunity arises (preferably a Disney sing-a-long such as ""A Whole New World"" because those bring out the best in me) and bounce.
On my stroll home, when the wine really starts to warm my soul, maybe I'll break out into a jazz number while singing ""You Make My Dreams"" by the magnificent Hall and Oats in Library Mall. Whence I reach my bed again, I will lull myself to sleep with ""Let a Thug Smoke"" by The Individuals playing softly on my iPod. Hopefully, I'll be sloshed enough to pass out even with the constant sound of a bowling ball dropping or a couple going at it like rabbits in the apartment above my bed.
If all my plans actually pan out, I can't see why I would need some James Franco look-a-like whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night and spooning me in bed. Especially since things would most likely return to normal the next day with him refusing to hold my hand as we walk to class and saying he has to catch up on his ""me"" time—aka playing X-box and shotgunning beers with his bros.
How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Send your complaints or sappy stories to alt2@wisc.edu.
