I know everyone missed reading my loads of excessively profane birdshit while we were away for winter break. Now that you're all back, 10 pounds heavier with caffeine-blood running through your veins from too much Bailey's and coffee, I think it's high time I do something to help everyone start the semester out right. So, I came up with this brainchild of an advice column for your benefit. I also had nothing better to do while flying over Kansas.
First things first:
Cut out this picture of a spa I visited while on migration in Costa Rica. Tape it on your fridge, your notebook or even inside your sunglasses. Who cares if you can't see. All you would be looking at is snow anyhow.
Two
Get a random person from each of your classes to perform in a ""welcome back"" orgy. It must take place in the Rathskellar, on the griddles, frolicking among the sandwich fixings. This is a great way to make lifelong friends.
Three
Go to Humanities late at night—there's always a door open somewhere. Piss on a fallen slab of ceiling tile in one of the rooms. No one will know since the whole fucking place reeks like a 1600s-era Thames overflowing with chamber pot excretions.
Four
Before your 9:30 power lecture, drop acid while relaxing in Abe Lincoln's icy-cold metallic embrace. History of American Political Thought will bleed and mosh in Technicolor serotonin all over your cerebral cortex.
Five
Walk onto Lake Mendota. Make a series of snow angels that form a square mile-sized replica of Pablo Picasso's ""Guernica."" It will only take a few weeks and is sure to amaze the entire city. Some of you entrepreneurial types might consider conducting aerial tours by helicopter to allow Madisonians a better view of your reconstruction masterpiece. Don't worry, frostbite is proven to enhance creativity.
Six
Go to the Super Walmart that has those sweet escalators. Beeline for the toy aisle and pick out a Play-Doh Fun Factory. It probably costs around six bucks so don't bitch, you penny pincher. Then, ask the person/animal of your dreams, (mine is Arthur the Aardvark), if they'd like to come over and hang out. No one can resist an extruder set.
Seven
Quit school. Move to Nicaragua and squat outside of a fine cigar crafting establishment. Cultivate an enjoyable addiction to puros and spend the rest of your life in tobacco-enduced bliss. Bathing in public fountains at night in tighty-whities is completely acceptable.
