As we enter the commercialized orgy that is the holiday season, it's important to think about the concept of giving thanks. Giving thanks is the gift that keeps on giving. Think about it. Unless you're a complete asshole, whenever you get a gift, you give thanks, even if you don't have jack-diddly to give back in return. Of course, I wouldn't be writing any of this if ThanksGIVING wasn't right around the corner. I wrote giving in capital letters because I've always been baffled by why we emphasize that half of the word. Why not THANKSgiving? It would technically make more sense seeing as we're giving thanks for all sorts of things, or at least pretending to.
Anyway, I searched Thanksgiving on Wikipedia the other day, and the first thing I saw was that Canada celebrates it too. Wouldn't ya know it, ""America's Hat"" went and stole our holiday from us … bastards. Canada might be in America, but it isn't America! There's a reason the pilgrims sat down with the natives and fed them monotheism and dead animals from their own backyards—so that WE could be the only country to give thanks for these types of things. I say we scramble the jets and take back our God given right to give thanks one burning hockey stadium and dead caribou at a time. If other countries followed Canada's lead and celebrated Thanksgiving, it would be a catastrophe. Why, you ask? Because other countries just don't know how to ""do Thanksgiving.""
France: Instead of thanking their lucky stars for their friends to the west with regard to certain world wars and their outcomes, France will be content simply in giving thanks for being better than everybody. Obviously there would have to be coffee, croissants, women with thick locks of armpit hair and long skinny moustaches to give Thanksgiving a distinctly French feel. Everyone would be talking about how great the fancy French food is, when in reality they'd just want some goddamn turkey and mashed potatoes.
Ireland: Food-wise, Ireland would probably be closest to the U.S. holiday as it gets. After saying their prayers and giving thanks for either being free of those damned Catholics or Protestant swine, (depending on their North/South status), the potato binge would officially begin. Unfortunately, the unprecedented potato consumption would probably cause a second devastating potato blight and spike Irish immigration into the United States, finally easing some of the pressure off of the Mexicans.
Israel: I'm sure Israel would have plenty of thanks to give for their wonderful neighbors. Unfortunately, because three quarters of the country is in the army or on the lookout for incoming missiles, the strictly non-pork meals would have to be parachuted to families across the country.
