*Author's Note: This article may only appeal to those who exhibit high levels of productivity issues and/or a knack for messing with other peoples' heads—traits that I find create a hell of a lot of entertainment.
College Library is quite possibly the best place to go for some eco-friendly, fair-trade, organic coffee while studying and polite socializing with the masses. With a perfect sampling of all the cliques and sub-cultures that can be found at a well-rounded university such as our own, it's the melting pot of Madison—perfect for some mischief and mayhem.
Now, focusing isn't something that comes easily to me. Hell, I'm lucky if I can open up PowerPoint without getting distracted first. In fact, the only reason this article got written is a direct result of 14 NoDoze, a half-quart of 5-Hour Energy and a few lines of cocaine. If this sounds a lot like you, you'll know that this lack of productivity inevitably leaves plenty of time for nonsense and shenanigans. Luckily for you, I've compiled a list of all my favorite things to do at the library while I'm not studying, which is probably enough time to memorize the Magna Carta in Swahili backwards. Here's a couple of them:
The ""Almost-Quiet Room"":
Go up to the quiet study room. I'm talking about the one on the left on the third floor where you'll find all those students who are so psychotically dependant on absolute silence that even walking through there in wind pants or corduroys would result in certain death. So be forewarned that hindering their academic advances can have serious repercussions.
You can get creative with this one, but basically the idea here is to be discreetly loud. By that I mean something that isn't blatantly shouting, ""I'm some asshole just coming in here to fuck with your studying."" However, it has to be something that is going to annoy the shit out of everyone within 30 feet.
I like to buy a package of pork rinds and rustle the bag a ton while I'm reaching for the salty snacks. Then I'll chew them ever-so-slowly and watch the heads pop up all around me, eyes flinging daggers in my direction. No joke, I once had a kid tell me I was typing too loudly and asked me to move further away from his desk.
The ""Foreigner"":
If you're too shy to mess with other students or it really just isn't your thing, here's a great way to get into the heads of some of the library staff. Head to one of the info desks in the library with a question (book rentals and printer questions are good because you'll need something that you can keep coming back for).When you ask your first question, take on an accent that would imply you're from another country.
Upon returning for your follow-up question, change the accent up on them. I find it's good to experiment with similar-sounding accents to keep them guessing. For example, shift from British to Australian. Then throw a real sidewinder at them and take on a thick ""Brave Heart-esque"" Scottish accent just to keep things interesting. If you suck at foreign accents, I'd suggest trying different U.S. dialects. If you can't do that, buy a television for Christ's sake and practice learning something useful.
The ""That Guy/Girl Might be a Serial Killer"":
This one's best done on members of the opposite sex on the third floor, where all the big tables full of sorority and frat people are. They're pretty skittish about shifty-looking characters, so there's a better chance of getting a real nice chuckle out of their reactions. Sit down unannounced at a table with one or two people already hard at work. Pull out a notebook or something to pretend you're hard at work as well.
After a few minutes go by, slowly begin some creepy, heavy, non-rhythmic breathing. Stare at one of your tablemates for far too long to be considered normal and twitch violently every minute or two. To add a little spice to your act, whisper inaudible words to yourself every so often. Repeat this until you either scare them off or someone calls the Rent-A-Cop to escort you out of the building.
The ""Boozer"":
Change out your usual, lame water bottle for an empty bottle of vodka or gin. Although you won't actually be getting hammered at the library, the looks you will get from people after chugging half a bottle in one swig will be priceless.
