My boyfriend and I have been together for a VERY LONG TIME (3 years) and I have a problem. I love my boyfriend very much, but the sex has gotten so boring. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just gets defensive and doesn't want to talk…
I've been spending a lot of time with this other guy that I work with. At first it was just work-related stuff, but then we started going out after work … I am starting to like him, and I think he likes me…
What should I do? I don't want to leave my boyfriend, but I don't know if I can resist this other guy for much longer.
—Stuck
You're not stuck.
You have multiple options here, none of which are super easy, but you have choices. In no particular order:
Option #1: Dump your boyfriend and go out with this new guy. I know, I know. That sounds harsh, and I know it's way easier for me to say than for you to do. But think about it for a moment. I don't know any more than what you told me in your e-mail, but your boyfriend isn't scoring many points with me. You've tried to talk to him about your sexual needs (multiple times, from the sounds of it) and he brushes you off? Major red flag.
Consider carefully why you want to preserve this relationship. Inertia can be a powerful force in dictating our romantic decision-making, but it is never a force for good.
Option #2a: All that said, I'm sure I didn't get the whole story in these few paragraphs. If you want this relationship to pull through, you have to talk to your boyfriend. Sex doesn't just magically get better one day, or just magically stop being important. Ever.
Start with the positives, and use them to illustrate why having this talk is so necessary. ""I love you because _______. This relationship is important to me because ______. That's why I think it's so important that we talk about the way things have been going lately.""
It will help if you come prepared with concrete grievances and suggestions for addressing those grievances, e.g. ""We seem to always have sex in [old position] lately, and I'd really like to mix it up with [new position]."" Find a friend you trust and rehearse first, because if your boyfriend shuts down, it's going to be very easy to shut down right along with him and drop it.
If necessary, I think it's legit to issue an ultimatum. Tell him you're at the end of your sexual rope (and not in a good way). You're willing to work with him to make things better, but letting things stay as they are is not an option. Romantic inertia can also lead us to become complacent in pleasing our lovers. Apply just a tad bit of force to make your boyfriend realize this relationship either needs to pick up speed or come to rest.
Option #2b: Maybe you can have your cock and eat it too, Stuck. Go home with that new guy.
Slow down, hotpants. You'll notice this option is 2b and not 3. You still need to talk to your boyfriend. I'm not giving you license to cheat, Stuck, because screwing around with someone else when your partner thinks you're not screwing around with anyone else is a shitty thing to do. Period.
But getting your partner's blessing? Having a long talk in which you make your needs clear? In which your boyfriend realizes he can't meet those needs right now, but still loves you and wants to make sure you're happy? Negotiating a clear agreement that allows you to get your rocks off while still maintaining the trust between you and your boyfriend? That's golden.
That's only half the equation, though. Make sure you're also up front about your situation with this other guy. Because if he thinks he's your only partner, then you've still got a problem. Let him know what's up.
And if your boyfriend freaks out? If he gets defensive and refuses to talk about it (again)? If he says, ""Forget it,"" and breaks up with you? Well, Stuck, at the risk of sounding like a condescending douchebag, I beg to differ with one part of your e-mail. In the grand scheme of life, three years isn't really a VERY LONG TIME. And even if they were the very best, most amazing three years in the history of all time, the past three years aren't entitled to your present and future.
I've said this before in this column, but I think we're often taught that sexual needs aren't worthy or legitimate enough to sacrifice an ""otherwise good"" relationship. And that's bogus. You're unhappy. You are unhappy enough that you took the time to write to a stranger to ask for advice on what to do. That's not trivial, that's not unimportant. You deserve a relationship that makes you feel happy, that makes you feel satisfied, that no matter how long it's lasted still occasionally gives you that little flip inside.
Whether that's this relationship or the next one, best of fuck luck, Stuck.
Sex questions? E-mail sex@dailycardinal.com.
