My boyfriend and I … have a fantastic relationship and GREAT sex, which is why I can't believe that I'm sending in this question.
We have always been very open about our fantasies, and he has recently told me that he wants to dress up in women's lingerie during sex. I know that this says nothing about his sexuality, but it just makes me feel a little weird … How do I get over this? And if I can't get over it, how do I tell him I can't do it when I don't have any good reason not to?
—Bad Girlfriend
BG,
You're not a bad girlfriend. For real. Great sex is an important part of a relationship, but having our boundaries respected is an important part of great sex.
Before I delve into your question, though, I want to emphasize an important point you made in your e-mail. It's excellent that you recognize your boyfriend's fantasies have nothing to do with his sexual or gender identity and it's important for readers to recognize this, too. Some people conflate cross-dressing with being gay or transgender. But while our clothes might be a way to express an identity marker we've chosen to adopt, they don't obligate us to identify a certain way. For example, I'm a Badger, so I have lots of red in my closet. But having lots of red in one's closet doesn't make someone a Badger.
Anyway, like I said, we shouldn't feel pressured to indulge someone's fantasy if we're not into it. But sometimes we find ourselves open to trying something out, even if we're not totally sure about it. It sounds like this is the situation you're in, BG and I think you have a couple of options to help make this a little more appealing to you.
First, be up front with your boyfriend about how you're feeling. Tell him what you told me—acknowledge that this is something you're struggling with and it's not a reflection on him or his fantasy in any way. Make it clear you are open to trying this out—if that is indeed the case—but you might need a little help from him to make it a hot fantasy for both of you.
Next, try to think about—and ideally talk with your boyfriend about—ways in which you might test the sexual waters. Your boyfriend should be okay with and supportive of this. After all, it's his fantasy and he wants you to act it out with him and you're telling him you're willing to give it a shot. It would be pretty bogus for him to react poorly or say no.
Perhaps you start by finding porn that depicts this particular fantasy and watching it together. Perhaps he starts by wearing boxers snazzed up with lace. Perhaps you take a shopping trip together and you pick out exactly what he wears. These are just a couple of suggestions, but the idea is to find a way to indulge this fantasy in a way that satisfies him and doesn't totally squick you out. And hopefully, once you see how sexy your boyfriend looks and how turned on he is by this, you maybe (just maybe) enjoy yourself a little bit, too.
And if you don't? Well, if this is something that's really important to your partner, then you've got a decision to make. I don't believe anyone should ever be made to feel bad or guilty for refusing to engage in sexual activities which make them uncomfortable, whatever the reason. I also don't believe sexual incompatibility is a trivial or unsound reason to end a relationship.
That said, I don't believe any long-term sexual relationship has ever existed in which both/all partners were 100 percent gung-ho about every sexual activity every single time. You and your partner both deserve a relationship which makes you feel safe, happy and satisfied. It's your call to make, whether you are willing to indulge this fantasy despite it not being your cup of tea, or you decide this is one of your boundaries you do not want to cross. Best of luck.
Is it possible to do so many Kegels that your vagina can break a penis?
No. The end.
If you have any other questions about sexual fantasies, or sex-related inquiries in general, send them Erica's way at sex@dailycardinal.com.
