It's rarely easy for parents and their children to talk about relationships. Dating isn't the ""Leave It To Beaver"" episode many parents would like it to be, and thus many families choose to ignore the subject all together instead of facing the potential uphill battle. In some cases, this is fine. Everyone has the right to privacy, and if a teenager doesn't want to tell their mom about how experienced they are or who they have a crush on, they shouldn't have to.
That said, whether or not the desire to share intimate details with parents exists, kids should always feel safe doing so. Parents are an important resource for teens facing tough situations, and no one should be deprived of their parents' support. But it's not just up to the kids to decide when the lines of communication open up between the two parties. Parents have to show they're willing to listen and offer advice, not simply scold or lecture.
October is an important time to remember this, as it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), a time when the significance of dating and domestic violence is stressed, and the education and activism surrounding the topic is expanded. For those still in college, dating violence is perhaps a particularly relevant component of DVAM. Although college students like to think they know everything about dating, sex and relationships, when it comes to the harsh, silenced realities, it's important students feel they have someone to turn to for answers and help.
This is where parents play a vital role. Sure, moving out of Mom and Dad's home can be a huge relief (for both parties involved), but a shared roof is not the lone attribute that facilitates communication. Even with the distance of going off to college, students should still reach out to their parents if they feel doing so would help them. Parents are often considered to be a child's ultimate defender. If one finds them self in an abusive relationship, it'd be ideal if he or she could go to their parents for that necessary protection.
Tom Santoro knows this all too well. At the age of 18, his daughter, Lisa, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend, whom she had broken up with a month and a half earlier. At first, Santoro and his family had a hard time understanding why Lisa's ex-boyfriend committed such an evil crime. It was discovered shortly after her murder that her ex-boyfriend had been stalking Lisa and planning to kill her.
Tom has since turned this horrific experience into a fight for change, touring the country talking to high school students, college students and parents about what dating violence is and how communication between parents and their children can help to end it. He believes it all starts with one important ingredient: trust.
""If children can learn to trust their parents and tell them stuff that happens … and the parents don't overreact, it would make it easier for the students to start telling them stuff,"" Santoro explains. ""Then, when something does happens—‘hey Mom, my boyfriend pushed me today'—she's not afraid to tell her mom, because she knows her mom isn't going to blow up and go crazy.""
But the ability to recognize that you may need help depends on whether or not you know what kinds of situations demand help. This comes down to a need for violence education, and though Santoro is excited to see states enacting legislation that require schools to offer classes pertaining to dating violence, he feels parents are the key factor in teaching their children about the topic.
""[Parents need to] sit down with [their] children, and say, ‘Listen, we've never really talked much about this, but when you do go on dates and you do have a boyfriend or girlfriend, this is the way you're supposed to be treated, and this is the way you're supposed to treat your partner,'"" Santoro said. He also stressed the importance of parents leading by example, explaining that children will embody the lessons their parents demonstrate. When it comes to relationships, if a child sees a husband yelling at his wife, the child will assume this is excusable behavior, which could possibly perpetuate the domestic violence cycle.
At the end of the day, all Santoro wants is for people of all ages, but particularly youth, to learn about the realities of dating violence. Sure, if parents start the conversation about dating violence this might lead to some awkwardness, but more importantly, it'll lead to a safer dating environment, something both parents and their children should strive for.
Tom Santoro will be sharing his experience in a program entitled ""Dear Lisa,"" today, in Tripp Commons in the Memorial Union. All are welcome to attend.
—Jacqueline O'Reilly
PAVE Media Advocate
