I have been on and off with this guy for about a year ... We were always safe and I haven't seen him in a couple of months but a few days ago I got an e-mail from him and it turns out he has herpes ... I haven't been able to leave my room. I am so freaked out and I don't know what to do … please don't tell me to get tested, I am too scared.
Could Be Me
Okay, CBM—I won't tell you to get tested. Not because I'm letting you off the hook for being freaked out about getting tested. But we'll discuss that later.
What you should do: Thank your partner for the email. I don't generally think meeting basic standards of respect for others deserves a cookie, but disclosure of a sexually transmitted infection is an exception. Your partner undoubtedly knew this could provoke such a reaction in you, but he decided your ability to monitor your health was worth his risk of embarrassment. So though I think disclosure falls under the category of ""basic respect for others,"" he still deserves some kudos.
What else you should do: Respect your partner's privacy. Now is not the time to take it upon yourself to ""warn"" your friends, or to release all these feelings by putting up posters all over campus. As mentioned above, your partner showed you some respect by sending that e-mail. Reciprocate.
Why am I letting you off the testing hook? Because ""getting tested"" for herpes is tricky business. Without symptoms, a herpes test will look for antibodies in your blood. However, according to Craig Roberts, an epidemiologist with University Health Services, the test is only offered under certain circumstances because it's so unreliable (though finding out a prior sexual contact has herpes would be an indication for testing). Basically, the test often delivers positive results even when the person getting tested doesn't have the infection, a false positive. Thus, if the results do come back positive, there needs to be additional, more expensive, testing done and according to Roberts, over half of initial positives in the campus population (adults under 24) turn out to be negatives. Bottom line: if you decide to get tested, CBM, you probably could. But in this case, you might be right—because of its unreliability, testing might not be worth the fear and anxiety.
A better idea is to initiate Crotch Watch 2010. Most people who are infected with herpes will have an initial outbreak, according to Ethel Sloane's ""Biology of Women."" The trick is to know what the signs of an outbreak are: Pain, tingling and/or sores or blisters. They may be tiny or irregular in shape, like razor burn. If you notice anything out of the ordinary, then head to UHS. They'll take a little skin sample and test it directly, which will produce a much more reliable result.
Finally, try not to let this become something that overtakes your life. Herpes is most transmissible only during an active outbreak; the rest of the time transmission is low, especially if you protect the skin using a barrier method (which I presume is what you mean by saying you ""were always safe""). You also mention that you haven't been with this guy in a couple months, so it's possible he didn't have herpes the last time you were together.
But if the results do come back positive, remember the Center for Disease Control and Prevention estimates one in five American adults has herpes. That means (statistically) 8,000 Badgers, and just think how much less exciting the UW would be if 8,000 of us stayed in our rooms all day. A herpes diagnosis can provoke some intense reactions, but ultimately it's a very common, very treatable condition which rarely causes serious problems. It's a little scary when it could be you—but it could be, and is many happy, healthy and successful adults.
I have fielded a long parade of STI-related questions, and I constantly feel the need to remind people: calm down. We're fed a lot of crap about STIs. While it's certainly true that reducing the spread of any communicable disease is desirable from a public health standpoint, the fear and stigma surrounding most STIs is vastly disproportionate to the consequences of the infections themselves.
Most STIs are curable. All are treatable. We can take steps to reduce our risk of contracting STIs, but contracting one doesn't represent some personal failure or moral punishment. Those who would seek to tell us otherwise merely perpetuate the toxic cloud of shame surrounding STIs, thereby guaranteeing their continued spread.
