You know those really annoying girls that everybody hates? The ones that religiously watch the CW and are unceasingly surprised whenever the bad boy cheats on the good girl for the slut, who was plotting the break up all along with the help of her bro-tastic flunky. Their idea of fashion forward is wearing rhinestone-clad denim skirts, Hollister tank tops with the acronym HCO branded across their tits and carrying matching Vera Bradley totes. Can you picture them? Fucking biddies.
Well dear readers, get ready to wince: back in the day (before I grew a personality, that is) I used to be one of those girls. Sadly, it's true. What's worse is that I found my old seasons of practically every teen-soap created after 1985 in my basement this summer. So, as expected, I spent a week (or maybe it's been a month) on the couch, reminiscing with my long lost friends, Dylan McKay, Joey Potter, Peyton Sawyer, Ruthie Camden, Amanda Woodward and Doug Penhall. Yes, just spending time being one of those girls. And if you've ever been one of those girls, or been forced to spend an entire day with one of them, it's likely that you'll recognize this storyline:
21 Jump Melrose Tree Hills, Heaven's Creek, 90210 is the address of a group of six middle-to-upper class friends who live in posh mansions and attend school together at West Beverly High in California. 21JMTHHC90210 (as it's referred to on Perez) centers on Lucas, the brooding, intelligent, family-oriented hunk who always does the right thing even when a stripper in a G-string is standing in front of him.
Bless his heart, he is always my least favorite character. I mean, stop being so fucking perfect and making all my realistic options look like a pile of shit!
Lucas is going steady with Kelly, the captain of the cheer squad. Kelly lives across the creek from Lucas and has been ""having sleepovers"" at Lucas' house every night since she was nine when her mom died in a car accident on the way to Kelly's dance recital. She's also a recreational cocaine user and self-loathing bulimic.
This bitch is just something else. She's got Mr. Perfect on her Mary-Kate Olson-sized arm and she's still so depressed that she has to fix it with the drug that makes you skinny-chic. It's like, ""Listen, bitch, you can't pick and choose. It's either gonna be depression or Mr. Perfect. Leave the depression to those of us swimming in real-world dating pools.""
Pacey is Lucas' goofball best friend who's secretly been in love with Kelly, but would never do anything about it because his friendship with Lucas means more to him. Pacey lives in a small apartment courtyard complex in West Hollywood by himself. His next-door neighbor, Amanda, is known for her bad reputation and runs an escort service. While Amanda sleeps with Pacey from time to time, she's also having an affair with his father, because she enjoys deep pocketbooks, trust funds and a hint of irony.
These characters are always my favorite. One is scheming and manipulative, and the other consistently cracks jokes in a pathetically nice, troubled sort of way. The show is WAY too boring without them, but their character value is recyclable and eventually they're killed off. And then all the other characters go to their funerals wearing fucking tube tops and chokers.
Tom is a transfer student who became good friends with Lucas because he's actually a youthful-looking undercover cop investigating the drug problem at West Beverly. His friendship with Lucas has ulterior motives, though. Tom is scheming to bust Kelly to make an example out of her.
I hate this guy. But I love him. He's a man of the law. But he's also a fucking wet blanket. He's always killing the mood by being by-the-book Mr. Moral and telling people that ""cocaine is bad for you,"" and then adding the clincher, ""and it's against the law."" What does he know? Maybe two lines in your morning coffee isn't that bad after all.
PHEW! Now that you've met everybody, let's elaborate.
Each episode is 45 minutes long, made up of 23 minutes of foreplay, 10 minutes of heart to heart confidences and 12 minutes of rim shot jokes accented by banana-peel, bear-on-top-of-the-car, green-dye-in-the-shampoo, poorly executed slapstick.
I bet you're wondering why I could ever get interested in such a lackluster plot line. Gimme a break! It gets way more interesting. In fact, Kelly and Lucas ended their long-term, two-month relationship because Lucas was caught in the act behind the gymnasium bleachers with Brandon, the school's resident homosexual.
Oh my gawd, you guys, I can't believe Kelly and Lucas broke up! Like, I'm so sure they were like totally meant to be. I seriously think I'm going to cry. I have to be alone with my thoughts. I'm gonna go light a smoothie scented candle, listen to sad Dixie Chicks songs and cuddle up with my Justin Bieber pillow.
