Rockford, Illinois. Timothy Brands, an adorably ignorant incoming freshman at UW-Madison says he ""can't wait for college,"" despite the knowledge that he will be trading the comforts of his own house for a dorm room no larger than a modest closet. The cute little guy is even quoted as saying that the horrendous living conditions he has yet to become acquainted with, which have often been compared with the sensation of severing ones own member with toe nail clippers, will be ""a great learning experience.""
The intimate quarters of many of the UW-Madison dorm rooms are what sparked Vince Hopkins, now 28, to drop out of college and pursue a life devoted to selling crack cocaine on the Madison street corners rather than pursue his dream of becoming a heart surgeon.
""I loved college at first. I went out, partied, even got close to straight A's. But when [my roommate] Ben came home blacked out and started pissing underneath the crack in our door for the third time in a month I just said ‘forget this [expletive], I'll try my luck on the streets. And I've never looked back,"" Hopkins is quoted as saying.
This is not to say, however, that both sexes fair the same when it comes to freshman living conditions. A recent study by professors and students at the UW-Madison school of Sociology determined that most freshman girls seem to overcome the undeniably shitty circumstances of living with a total stranger in a room no bigger than a medium-sized closet far more easily than their male counterparts. When I interviewed Professor Stephanie Gorman about her and her colleague's findings, she explained that:
""There are several theories that we have developed as to why female freshman are more successful than their male counterparts with regards to the freshman living conditions. First, females are more mature, cleanly and organized than their male counterparts at this age, generally speaking of course. Another reason that we found was that, while males will often exchange physical blows from minor confrontations involving petty disagreements, females are much more likely to be fake to one another to give the illusion that [the two roommates] are getting along even when they are not. Then, days, weeks or even months later, the females will spread rumors and lies about each other, attempting to do permanent psychological damage to their roommates, which, of course, is the far less confrontational, and far less violent approach to roommate vs. roommate conflicts.""
Still, Gorman and her colleagues insist that maintaining a healthy and friendly relationship with ones roommate is the key to long term success in coming to terms with living quarters that mirror only the most foul of South American prisons.
""One option that many of us liked was writing up a contract with your roommate on the first day you two arrive at school,"" Gorman said.
""The contract can list mutual agreements ranging from who takes out the trash on a given day to who mops up the urine stained floor after a night out on the town,"" Gorman added.
One ex-freshman, Kevin Love, found the contracts to be quite helpful for him and his freshman roommate.
""Oh yeah, we designated chores. We agreed who got the T.V. and on what days. We even made a mutual agreement that no matter how bad the fights between the two of us got, we would never resort to skid marking one another's pillows while the other was out of the room, which, for me, was particularly comforting,"" added Love.
