As the academic year draws to a close and the total number of weeks of class remaining can be counted on one hand (or foot if you don't have hands or happen to be wearing mittens), my desire to write interesting or entertaining columns has begun to wane.
However, it turns out that people besides my dad actually read this column and sometimes the ones with wayyy too much time on their hands decide to respond by e-mail. And more often then not, their responses are hilarious, especially when taken out of context and edited by me. Below is an abbreviated compilation of some of the most epic emails I received throughout the year.
Two of my favorite responses to ""Hot older professors sparks Jillian's interest""—written about history buff and stud muffin John Sharpless:
From a friend of John Sharpless:
""Hey there Jillian, don't know if you'll get this in time, but all of John's friends loved your article and Sharpless is hosting our yearly party celebrating male stupidity and the charge of the Light Brigade... think of all of us drinking with swords... we think it would be a hoot if you showed up; kind of a practical joke, opportunity for positive teasing. [Insert information about location and time of said party] Pardon the lack of punctuation... cell phone e-mail lol... cheers!""
I almost cried when I read this e-mail and realized that because of my stupid job I had missed a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to interact with Sharpless/take advantage of a room full of drunk older men. More advance notice next time and I'll be there.
From a huge creep:
""SINGLE, athletic, 57, 6', 195 lbs, successful, professional, worldly :)""
Wow. Thanks, but no thanks.
I was extremely honored to receive this email from a member of the Lucky building staff after they read ""Students live the suite life on Lucky Island"":
""I just wanted to drop you a quick note on behalf of the staff at Lucky ... If you're interested, we'd love to have you over for a tour of the building and apartments. If we have time, we could swing through the hurricane shelter too. I'm pleased you mentioned it in your article as we feel it is an important amenity that our competitors fail to provide. You never know when one of those things is going to make landfall in the Midwest...""
When I first read through this e-mail I almost peed my pants. I was expecting an angry, not humorous, response to my sarcastic critique of life in the Lucky. To the author I must say, touché sir. Touché.
After writing about my Farmville addiction—which I have kicked, thank you very much—in ""Finals feeding fervent ‘Farmville' fetish"" I got a couple e-mails offering advice on how to cut down, one misdirected e-mail containing information about substance abuse rehabilitation and this little gem:
""I love your piece! And yeah... I know all ‘bout it... I'm self-employed and need to frickin' work all the frickin' time in this lousy economy... but damn... those reindeer need brushing!!! I pulled an all-nighter the other night; expanding and rearranging and making everything red and green for Christmas. And I'm old. I can't be pulling crap like all-nighters!""
Maybe I should have forwarded her the rehab center information.
But my favorite e-mail of all came from one very upset, very devout Christian man who was absolutely horrified by my anti-baby stance in ""Babies and pregnant women are repulsive."" In his e-mail he quoted some Psalm 127, told me about his new baby boy and told me a story about two of his friends, Adam and Eve. He ended his rant/sermon with the most spectacular farewell I've ever read:
""Thank you for reading. The reason I wrote is because I care about you. However, based on your article, it seems as though you have given up to vile thoughts and affections, and love yourself more than you love God. So I encourage you to turn from your sin today and towards Jesus Christ, your only hope.""
I'm super flattered that you care about me angry Christian guy but, sorry... I'm a Jew.
Hopefully anyone who sent me an e-mail realized that I'm not a nice person and I rarely care about anyone but myself and therefore aren't insulted by my decision to print their words. And if anyone doubts people actually read and respond to my columns, send me an e-mail... see what happens.
Seriously, send Jillian e-mails at jlevy2@wisc.edu. Making fun of the people dumb enough to waste their time reading her column brings a little laughter into Jillian's high-stress life.
