Holocaust denial, spelling errors, autoerotic asphyxiation.
Those three things, in order, are what define the Badger Herald softball team. This Friday, that team will try to overcome all those hurdles to take down the vaunted Daily Cardinal squad in the papers' annual face-off at Vilas Park.
In a year already plagued by troubles with complicated issues like whether to read advertisements before running them and how to locate InDesign's spell-check feature, the Herald's morale took its hardest blow with the tragic autoerotic asphyxiation death of Kevin Bargnes. Bargnes had been the paper's spiritual leader and had been poised to take over as editor-in-chief next semester.
""I loved Kevin, and it will be incredibly tough to move on without him. But I'm glad he died doing what he loved—limiting the flow of air to his brain in an attempt to increase pleasure while masturbating to photos of Ayn Rand,"" current Herald Editor-in-Chief Jason Smathers said.
The Herald will also be trying to move on from a humiliating 24-7 defeat in last semester's Cardinal-Herald football game. In what has been dubbed ""The Massacre on the Grass(acre),"" a frustrated and belligerently drunk Herald team viciously tackled Cardinal Gameday Editor Nick Schmitt at the end of the game, leading both benches to clear and nearly inciting a full-scale brawl.
The aggressiveness of last semester's game has not faded for Cardinal State Editor Hannah Furfaro, whose roommate Signe Brewster is the Herald's news content editor.
""Signe? I'm gonna fuckin' destroy that bitch this Friday. You haven't seen shit—I'm gonna tear out her spine, piss in her mouth and shit on her chest,"" Furfaro roared while pounding her tiny fists on the table and tearing the head off a kitten.
After Bargnes' untimely death the Herald is warning its staff members to be more careful when carrying out their sexual fantasies. Smathers sent an e-mail to the Herald staff earlier this week urging members to take the proper precautions when indulging in their disturbing habits, specifically requesting that Sports Editor Jordan Schelling use a safe word when attending bondage clubs with the chorizo from the Brewers' sausage races.
