Deer Cardinal—
I'm trapped in a burning house and the smoke is piling up! I used to remember this helpful acronym they taught us in elementary school. I think it was stop, drop and something, but I can't remember the last step! PLEASE HELP THE FLAMES ARE SO HOT I THINK IT'S STARTING TO MELT MY COMPUT—
Hello there, concerned citizen!
First of all, why the anonymous letter? I usually only answer questions when people leave their name, because as my father always said, if you're gonna say something, you should be willing to let everyone know you said it. My father was a pretty smart guy, I guess. Funny, too. He just never had time for any of us baby birds back at the nest as the St. Louis Cardinals mascot. Then he got fired from St. Louis for drinking on the job and took a job with the Arizona Cardinals, which was a major step down. Plus he didn't have enough money to move the whole family, after he blew it all in a bad birdseed deal. Our entire childhood consisted of working odd jobs, taking care of each other and watching my dad act like a drunk idiot on Sundays in front of tens of thousands of booing fans. The humiliation was almost unbearable.
Wait, what was your question again? Oh, the fire thing. I think you're all wrong, man. The first ‘s' definitely stands for ‘scream,' so I'd start there if I were you. Thanks for writing!
Deer Cardinal—
Can I ask you a personal question? I'm not a very outgoing kid, and I kind of need friends. Like, I don't know a single person. I have a single in Lucky and barely ever leave my room. You seem like the kind of guy I'd like to get a beer with; wanna hang out sometime?
—Greg K.
Greg-
No.
Think the Deer Cardinal was kind of a dick this week? Well maybe you should try typing an advice column and raising three baby birds with a broken wing, you worthless cretin! E-mail him porn links, hilarious cat videos and maybe some questions, if you really have to at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
