Potential employee #G3045
Address: Mostly at Brothers Bar & Grill
Phone Number: 608-555-5555, but be sure to identify yourself as a prospective employer upon my answering, otherwise I may pick up by saying ""talk to me"" like in ""Full House"" and mar my chances of obtaining a semi-serious job.
Email: emailihaventusedsinceninthgrade@netnet.net
Objective:
A sales position in which my experience in binge drinking and talking the under garments right down the legs of average college-aged students would benefit not only my imagination while surfing the net on the office computers, but also potentially aid my ability to sell knives door to door and retain a false sense of dignity and morale for the entire sales team, or just the portion of the sales team who enjoys the stories of my erotic exploits and looks at my constant sexual harassment as a compliment, like it was meant to be.
Most Recent Experience:
1. Food Service Job on University of Arbitrary Campus
Position: Greaser/De-greaser, Sodium Installation Specialist, Do I Really Have to Clean That Up?
Manager: You May Not Want To Call Her—Serious Bitch
Dates Employed: September 2009—until my hair had a permanent hairnet indentation.
Duties: Consistenly arrive fifteen minutes late and so hungover that I am on the verge of blowing chunks at any and all moments, chat with friends who come in for about half an hour while ignoring real customers, subsequently give friends free food, take a 25-minute break followed by 45 minutes of fake work, end the shift with my register so off the charts that it takes serious charm and custodial networking to retain the job for the next few shifts.
2. Cashier Job at Local Dump Mart
Position: Bleep... Bleep......... Where's the Frickin' USP—Bleep / Talk to Middle-Aged Women Regarding Which Brand of Wet Cat Food is Most Savory
Manager: Pervster Extraordinaire
Dates Employed: April 2009—the day I told a middle-aged woman to stick a Fancy Feast so far up her bum that she could just skip buying the tins and feed her thirty cats like a regurgitating pigeon feeds its young.
Duties: Spend eight hours at a time wondering where I went wrong in life, check the time every half a minute and repeatedly come to the realization that I would rather lick every inch of the conveyer belt and the entirety of the guest-service counter than have children. Horrible, candy and Yu-Gi-Oh! card tantruming and bacon-crumb-faced children.
Special Skills:
I have been a Certified Asshole since the onset of puberty in 2001 and I speak near fluent Break Room Shit Talk. I drink on the job and oftentimes off the bodies of my co-workers, which is truly a feat because it is a balancing act between being both a professional and a sex professional. Since I have a B.S. in Talking About the Illicit Use of Prescription Drugs, my communication skills are simply impeccable.
References:
1. Mrs. Petersen
Address: Sacred Heart Elementary
Relationship: Eighth-grade drama teacher
2. Mr. Hamilton Butler Hancock III
Address: Pinckney Corp.
Relationship: My buddy Stevo who is a theatre major putting on his best CEO voice
3. Mom
Address: Where I Used to Not Have to Work
Relationship: My mommykins
If the above is similar to your own work experience, feel free to use this resume for your own application endeavors. You can even use VP as a reference, just clarify which accent or dialect she has to use at evanpay@wisc.edu.
