Every year, I sign up for more classes than I need to. I never take 18 credits, but I like to shop around syllabuses to get a feel for what classes I might find intellectually stimulating. And by ""intellectually stimulating"" I mean ""will give me an easy A."" I like classes with take-home essays, 15-percent participation grades and nonmandatory lecture attendance. Hell, I'll even take a class with four exams so long as it doesn't meet on Fridays. But if there's one thing on a syllabus that sends me running for the hills, it's these two simple words: ""group project.""
The premise of a group project is sound: Teachers have fewer things to grade, students have less work and it gives you a chance to meet your classmates (and possibly try to hook up with the hotter ones during long nights of ""studying"" in the stacks at Memorial Library.) But the detrimental effects of attempting to craft a 10-minute PowerPoint presentation with three other students are almost too numerous to count. To prove my point, here's the actual text from a series of e-mails among myself and several other group members from a group project I had to do last year.
From: Claire
To: Erica, Julie, Dave, Max, Kevin
Subject: Project
Hey guys! So I know it's a bit early, but I thought we should think of a time to meet to start this project. I know I've got a lot of other studying to do, so I just want to get it out of the way as fast as possible :-) I was thinking we could meet at College Library at 7:30. Does that work for everyone?
From: Julie
To: Claire, Erica, Dave, Max, Kevin
Subject: Re: Project
Hey guys! I have a sorority formal that night, so I can't be there. Gotta be there for my girls! Lol
From: Claire
To: Erica, Julie, Dave, Max, Kevin
Subject: Re: Re: Project
Uh, I think this group project is a little more important than some formal, sorry. No matter, I'll just make sure to dock you an appropriate amount of points in the peer evaluation grade later.
Now, I know the assignment says to pick a canceled TV show and talk about why its canceled, but I think we should go above and beyond and do an entire exploratory project on TV cancelation throughout history and attempt to create a cubic regression graph showing how economic stability relates to a show's chances of survival.
Why don't I handle the '60s era, Kevin can do the '70s, Max can do the '80s, Dave can do the '90s, Erica can do the '00s and Julie can handle shows that have already been canceled in 2010, since she'll probably be too busy getting irresponsibly drunk and making bad decisions at her formal.
Now, all we need to do is exchange phone numbers so I can give each of you up-to-the-minute updates on the project, and we should be set! See you guys at 7:30 :-)
From: Dave
To: Claire, Erica, Julie, Max, Kevin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Project
Can I just handle putting the PowerPoint together? PowerPoint is pretty much my thing, haha. Also, don't think I can do 7:30 either, got an epic Madden tournament that night, so I'll probably be pretty blazed. Can I just write something about ""Futurama""? That show is the tits.
20 E-mails later
From: Claire
To: Erica, Julie, Dave, Max, Kevin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Madden Tournament Re: Nuggs Re: Re: Project
OK guys, this should be our last meeting, but we have a LOT to get done, because Dave missed our last two meetings, even though we saw him at Memorial, hiding behind the stacks. I think he was drunk. Regardless, I will be collecting cell phones as you guys come to the study room so we can maximize our productivity. Please bring whatever refreshments you'll need as well, and try to keep bathroom breaks to a minimum. See you soon :-)
From: Max
To: Julie
CC: Claire, Erica, Dave, Kevin
Subject: What a cunt
Doe she really think she can take away our phones? I'm not 11 years old, for fuck's sake. I have half a mind to e-mail her and tell her off, but I think we should just plow through and get this thing done.
From: Max
To: Julie, Claire, Erica, Dave, Kevin
Subject: URGENT! DO NOT READ LAST E-MAIL
Haha, my roommate was totally messing around on my computer, but that last e-mail has a virus or something, so DO NOT OPEN IT! Also, anyone else hate how close that ""reply-all"" button is to the regular reply button?
From: Claire
To: Erica, Julia, Dave, Max Kevin
Subject: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?!?
I reserved this room for us, and none of you came! :-( Our project is due in 16 HOURS! I think the library is going to close, but most of you sent your slides in. Dave, can you please send your slide on '90s TV shows getting canceled?
From: Dave
To: Erica, Julia, Dave, Max, Kevin
Subject: Re: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?!?
What? I thought I was just doing the PowerPoint? It's kinda my thing, remember? Whatever, here's my slides. Gonna go take an epic nap now, later.
From: Claire
To: Dave
Subject: No slides
You didn't attach anything. Please resend it with the attachment.
From: Dave
To: Claire
Subject: Re: No slides
Attachments: Madden.docx
lol, sorry. Here it is.
From: Claire
To: Dave
Subject: Seriously?
Dave, this is in docx, so I can't open it. Also, a Word document isn't the same as PowerPoint slides. And you were supposed to do '90s TV, not Madden. :-( Luckily I already did some back research for you and can make your slides, but I probably won't get any sleep. So if you could send me your actual slides, that'd be great :-)
From: Kevin
To: All
Subject: Project
I hope you all rot in hell.
Ever actually have a positive group work experience? Tell Kevin about it at kevslane@gmail.com.
