Direct relationship between living in Madison, becoming a fatass, experts say
In one of the most historic scientific breakthroughs in UW-Madison history, scientists dropped a bombshell on Monday when they revealed what they believe to be a direct causal relationship between living in Madison and becoming a fatass.
Esteemed Chemistry Professor Dr. Marvin Patrick presented the information with a few of his colleagues to a small number of media representatives at a press conference early Monday morning.
""After a very carefully examined and lengthy two-and-a-half-year study, we believe we have found what appears to be a direct relationship between residing in Madison and becoming a total fat ass,"" Dr Patrick explained.
When questioned by reporters about what it was exactly that caused normal, healthy people to be turned into fatasses by residing in Madison, Dr. Patrick said tests were inconclusive. He added, however, that air molecules connected to one's sense of smell, specifically those surrounding specific geographical locations including Ian's Pizza, Fat Sandwich Company and Buffalo Wild Wings could have something to do with it.
""A working theory right now is that somehow certain geographical locations are emitting bizarre molecules that, when inhaled by passerby when breathing normally, send a signal to their brains that eventually turns them into lazy fatasses.""
Yet in perhaps the most stunning moment of the press conference, Dr. Patrick explained that he and his colleagues have strong evidence that suggests living in Madison can cause people to exhibit other personal changes as well. At this moment, Dr. Patrick handed the microphone to his esteemed colleague, Dr. Lauren Sheperd.
""While these tests remain preliminary, it seems that living in Madison increases one's chances of becoming a Democrat by 55 percent, a lazy fatass by 74 percent and a daily marijuana smoker by a whopping 98.6 percent,"" Sheperd was quoted as saying.
At this point a reporter stood up and asked whether it was possible that there was a link between smoking marijuana and becoming a lazy fatass, to which Dr. Sheperd replied: ""I'm sorry, what was the question? I'm really, REALLY fucking stoned right now and all I can think about is getting some Ian's Pizza. Who's with me?"" The question was met with cheers as reporters and professors alike quickly filed out, cutting the press conference short.
—Phil Vesselinovitch
Madison's filthy hippie population ""charms"" prospective students
Prospective UW-Madison students taking a tour around campus were pleasantly surprised when two dirty, smelly Madison hippies suddenly approached them as their tour guide walked them through State Street. The tour guide, Walker Connelly, was leading his group past Potbelly's when one particularly dirty and smelly hippie, later identified as 33 year old self professed ""musician"" Freedom Lawrence, greeted the group with an unfortunate off-rhythm bongo solo that lasted approximately five and a half minutes.
While much of the group of students was from out of town, and was thus fascinated by the dirty, smelly, hippies that many Madison students have begrudgingly accepted as residents of their city, UW-Madison tour guide Walker Connelly was not amused.
""You never want to be too mean to those guys, they mean well. At the same time I only had an hour for the tour and I was subtly trying to get the group to move on, but they all seemed pretty charmed by him,"" Connelly was quoted as saying.
One prospective student, Becky Miller, seemed particularly fascinated by Lawrence and his stinky, unhygienic, female accomplice, known only as ""Winter.""
""While Freedom was playing his cool bongo solo, Winter walked up to us and showed us her beautiful knitting,"" Miller said excitedly. Even though Winter admitted it was a relatively simple knitting piece, knitted in the shape of an uneven circle and made out of pieces of twine and cat hair, Miller was enthralled.
Added Miller, ""She asked for $5 for the knitting, which is really quite a bargain when you consider she worked on it for four whole days. I mean, I had to have it!""
Despite the group's fascination with Freedom's bongo playing and Winter's cat hair and twine knitting, Connelly took charge and told the group they would have to move on after the smell of feces, marijuana and pure filth resulted in several tour members falling ill in a local trash receptacle.
—Phil Vesselinovitch