Editor's Note: Jon is out this week with frostbite on his lower extremities after trying to go streaking at Camp Randall's Outdoor Hockey Classic. Replacing him this week will be his deadbeat twin brother, Joe.
Hello, friends. I always relish the opportunity to enlighten the campus when my brother is unavailable to write his column. It's a rare chance for me to let the student body know of potential dangers to their well-being, and today is no different. I've collected the top 25 reasons you should avoid friending my two-timing brother on Facebook. You're welcome.
1) Frequently files your pictures away in the folder on his desktop called ""People whose skin would make great lampshades.""
2) Pokes you an unnecessary amount of times... Seriously, upwards of 300 times.
3) He joins groups such as ""Largest Facebook group EVER SERIOUSLY GUYZ GUINNESS WORLD RECORD PEOPLE ARE ON THE PHONE W/ ME RIGHT NOW"" and ""If 1,000,000 people join this group I will fellate a hot dog.""
4) Created a Facebook profile for his ex-girlfriend Sherry's lingerie drawer.
5) Changes his birthday to whatever day it currently is so people will actually write on his wall and make him feel cool for once.
6) Has been blocked by over 3,756 Facebook users, not counting females (scientists are still attempting to quantify the number, described as ""somehow larger than infinity."")
7) Often updates status with play-by-play of his life... strangely enough, the play-by-plays usually include information about how his privates are chafing.
8) Always seems to invite the police to Facebook events that involve underage drinking.
9) Has joined a shockingly large amount of 9/11 conspiracy theory Facebook groups.
10) Actively tends to his crops on ""Farmville.""
11) Constantly writes on people's walls about their intimate secrets, accidentally mistaking it for a private Facebook message.
12) Keeps obnoxiously ""liking"" statuses when girls change their relationship status to ""single.""
13) Has actively petitioned Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg to NOT allow people to track who has viewed their page the most, citing that it will destroy his reputation among the majority of his female friends, and perhaps even some of his more attractive male friends.
14) Sometimes comments multiple times on his own status so others see the large number of comments and believe people care about what he says.
15) Sends relationship requests to numerous girls, hoping one of them actually mis-clicks and accidentally agrees to be ""in a relationship"" with him via Facebook.
16) Legitimately believes Facebook marriages are legally binding contracts.
17) Became a fan of ""Becoming a fan of things on Facebook.""
18) Already has 4,987 friends on Facebook... over 4,710 of which are fake Facebook profiles Jon created one lonely afternoon and friended later on.
19) You know that eerie feeling you get when you think someone is going through each and every one of your tagged pictures on Facebook? Yeah, that's him and yes, he's only wearing sweatpants while doing it.
20) Seriously, he's devoted over 300 hours to his ""Farmville"" crops. Something is wrong here.
21) Dressed up as a Facebook page for Halloween last year. That was now the fifth year in a row he's gone as a Facebook page. It wasn't clever the first time, either.
22) Joined both ""Team Conan"" and ""Team Leno"" Facebook groups just so he could use either as a way to strike up Facebook chats with random girls.
23) All of the listings under his ""favorite quotes"" are from Jon describing how dateable he is, or how easy it would be to slip something in his drink and make out with him. Seriously, he wouldn't even notice ladies!
24) Frequently ruins episodes of ""Lost"" by posting spoilers about major plot points in his status. Also ruined the last three Harry Potter books after reading leaked Internet copies. All in all, a really good guy.
25) Posts links to every single Page Two column he writes every week. Not one has been the least bit funny.
Want Jon to take a permanent leave of absence so Joe can write the remainder of his columns? Let him know at spike@wisc.edu.
