(The following conversation took place one Thursday night at a sorority on Langdon. The names of the girls involved and the sorority they belong to has been changed to protect their identities.)
Julie: And so then Chad was like ""blow me,"" and I was like, ""uh, ok?"" And then I totally blew him!
Chrissy: Oh my God Jules, you're such an effing slut!
Steph: Chad is such a sleaze, you ho-bag!
Julie: Shut up skank. I'll BBM you girls about pre-bar after I hit Sunset Tan.
Chrissy: Lates, Ju-Ju Bear.
(Julie leaves. Chrissy and Steph immediately wipe the fake smiles off their face and breathe a sigh of relief)
Chrissy: Thank God that's finally over, I thought she'd never leave.
Steph: Seriously, I can't even stand the girls here anymore. It's like every second of our life we're being judged.
(Both girls slip off their North Faces and Uggs, swapping them for Power Rangers slippers and Lord of the Rings t-shirts. Chrissy casually sniffs her armpits while Steph watches ""MANswers"" and drinks a couple of Natty Lights.)
Chrissy: Ugh, let's just forget this shit. You up for some Goldeneye?
Steph: Proxies in the Complex?
Chrissy: Pick up ya sticks bitch, your ass is about to get pwned.
Steph: In your dreams, n00b.
Chrissy: You wanna order some Toppers before the slaughter?
Steph: Already ordered a triple order of T-Stix online, baby. Shit's gonna be epic.
Chrissy: Literally. That bathroom's gonna smell worse than that week we didn't shower and just played World of Warcraft all day.
Steph: Oh man, my cooch smelled like month-old sushi after that.
Chrissy: Word. Can we get some tuneage up in here?
Steph: I'd crank up the Slayer, but I think Maddy and Tina heard me last time.
Chrissy: Yeah, I had to relabel all of my Metallica as Jack Johnson and rename my ""Thrash metal extravaganza"" playlist as ""workout mix"" just so those bitches wouldn't get suspicious.
(Both girls receive BBMs on their pink Blackberrys at the same time from Julie)
Chrissy: ""Sup Skankarellas? Wanna hit Jamba Juice so we can do smoothie mixers before the KK?"" Sounds like another GREAT weekend... *sigh*
Steph: I wish we could just brown-bag our 40s and hit up that Immortal Technique show. He's like the illest MC around.
Chrissy: And we're going to miss him! And for what? Another ""Jersey Shore"" party?
Steph: We need to do another ""spa retreat"" some weekend so we can just nerd out at Comic Con and spend one freakin' night not pretending to be air-headed bimbos.
Chrissy: I haven't even watched an episode of ""Battlestar Galactica"" in months now. I think the lounge TV is permanently stuck on Bravo.
Steph: I think I heard Gwen Daniels ask Julie if we could possibly order the ""Friends"" Network. If I have to hear about how zany Phoebe is one more time, I'll flip a shit.
Chrissy: Ha! I just head-shotted your ass. RCP-90 for the win!
Steph: Dammit. You wanna do remote mines in the Temple now?
Chrissy: Only if you wanna get your ass handed to you on a silver platter, bitch.
(There's a knock at the door. Chrissy and Steph scramble to put away the N64 and slip into their Northfaces.)
Danielle: Ohmygawd girls, you won't believe this. Chad just texted me that he wants to hang out later! I am fuh-REAKING out!
(All three in unison): Oh my Gawwwwwwwwwwwwd!
Know any girls like Chrissy and Steph? Email Kevin at kevslane@gmail.com so he can propose to them immediately.
