A few months ago, the unthinkable happened. I was browsing through Facebook, hitting all the usual profiles I creep on (I'm talking to you, Katie), when a friend request popped up. It was my little brother, Nolan. My 14-year-old, still-in-eighth-grade-brother. My plays-PS3-an-unhealthy-amount-and-is-only-two-years-removed-from-collecting-Yu-Gi-Oh!-Cards brother. To put it in web lingo, WTF?
After quickly cleaning up my profile, I decided to accept, figuring the potential awkwardness would be worth it in exchange for having a new realm to bully my little brother in. And what a great decision it was. Whether I was commenting on all the wall posts he got from girls (""OMG Nol-dogg, who's Julie?!?! ;) ;) LOL""), sending him a bunch of pointless quizzes (""are you gay??? SCARY ACCURATE!!!"") or just posting embarrassing childhood memories on his wall (""remember that time you peed in a bottle when we were stuck in traffic crossing the George Washington Bridge? That was awesome.""), I was in my cyber-bullying element. But in between ""liking"" his statuses about having too much homework and posting random videos of fat girls running on treadmills with the caption ""you never told me your girlfriend did YouTube videos!"", I noticed a strange trend. My News Feed started to become dominated by Nolan-related stories, and they definitely had a titular theme to them.
Nolan became a fan of ""Megan Fox""
Nolan became a fan of ""Hooters""
Nolan wrote on ""Hooters"" wall: ""Hell yea I want some buffalo wings!!1!""
Nolan became a fan of ""I Hated when other girls think their breast are bigger than JWOWWS""
Was my little brother becoming a man electronically, right before my very eyes? A man who clearly prefers his women with ample sweater puppies? Suddenly, I was transported back to my middle school days, recalling each and every miniscule memory. What if I had live-tweeted my sixth grade ice cream social? What if I joined Facebook groups entirely based on my borderline creepy obsession with finding a Britney Spears nipple slip video? After digging up what briefly served as my electronic journal (basically a Word document where I wrote about all the girls I had crushes on), I decided to share some choice excerpts with all of you and see whether my brother's Facebook shenanigans were really all that different from my cataloguing of my middle school experiences.
Sept. 3, 2000
Wazzzzzaaaaaaaap journal-
It was the first day of seventh grade today. We had all-school assembly. I sat with Malcolm, Brian, Matt, Greg and Nick. Malcolm made fart noises with his hands. It was sooooo funny. But guess what? Maggie and Maria got huuuuuuuge boobs. Maria was wearing a white tank top, and you could see her bra underneath. Brian threw a pen at Maggie, and she called him an idiot. It was awesome. Well I gotta go watch ""Batman,"" so I'll talk to you later journal.
-Kevin
Oct. 27, 2000
Howdy ho journal-
This week was awesome. I did all my homework super early, so I got to go to Nick's house. I told my mom we were playing outside, but we watched ""Billy Madison"" instead. Adam Sandler drinks and sees penguins, and his teacher was hot, just like my geography teacher, Ms. Shea. It's my favorite movie ever. And guess what? I got invited to a Halloween party at Kelly's house. She said she's going to be Little Red Riding Hood. I hope Little Red Riding Hood wore a tank top. She has big boobs.
-Kevin
Nov. 1, 2000
Sup journal-
Guess what?!? I had the best night of my life the other night! We were at Kelly's playing Spin the Bottle, and I kissed her three times! Then I was going to get a soda, and Kelly asked if I wanted to listen to her Sugar Ray CD. I said yes, because Sugar Ray kicks ass. But when we went to her room, we started kissing, with tongues! After the CD finished we stopped kissing, and she let me feel her boobs. They were so soft and awesome. It was that moment I knew I was in love. I gotta go gel my hair now, I'm going to watch ""She's All That"" at Kelly's later. That's code for more awesome boobage. :)
-Kevin
Was your middle school life defined by Axe Body Spray, switchblade combs and sweet zip-off pants? E-mail Kevin more middle school memories at kevslane@gmail.com.
