I just started dating a new guy. Do you have any suggestions on how to ask if someone has been tested for STIs and what types of questions should I be asking? What should I know about my STI testing besides positive or negative?
Thanks,
Tested and Confused
What a perfectly timed question as National Condom Week comes to a close! We've spent a lot of time raising awareness about barrier methods this week, but there are many other ways to take charge of our sexual health.
One of those things is talking to our partners about sexually transmitted infections and STI screening. It can be tricky to broach the subject, whether we're in a new relationship in a long-term relationship, or with someone we don't plan on seeing again. Talking about syphilis right before we get it on doesn't generally help to improve the mood. Maybe our partners will think we have an STI if we bring it up. What if we're invading our partner's privacy?
It's always good to remind ourselves the STI conversation is a healthy, normal one to have. STIs don't discriminate, and while contracting one doesn't have to ruin our lives, we still have every right to protect ourselves as well as we can if we choose to engage in sexual activity.
Nonetheless, it can still seem awkward to bring up the topic. I would not give this advice under any other circumstance, but here—fake it. Regardless of the way you feel inside, smile at your partner and ask for consent. ""Do you want to have sex?"" If your partner says yes, bust out a condom and whisper, ""Great! I've ultrasupermegahorny since my chlamydia test came back negative a couple weeks ago.""
Maybe not those exact words. But the point is to not make your partner feel uncomfortable. Some might argue the question itself makes people feel awkward, but the phrasing and delivery of the question have a far greater impact. Most humans have an excellent capacity for nonverbal cues. If I am standing with arms crossed, staring at the floor, nervously mumbling, ""Uh, so have you noticed any unusual redness or swelling in your genital region lately?"" you can be assured my partner is going to feel creeped out.
On the other hand, if we offer a smooth, confident delivery, our partner is much more likely to respond positively (more on ""positive"" in a sec). Most of us know talking about STIs and barrier methods is a healthy thing to do. One of your partner's reactions will likely be relief, since she/he was wondering how to broach the subject, too.
If we're the ones being asked about STIs—tell the truth. If we haven't been screened, we should say so. If we just finished a round of antibiotics, say so. And by all means, shoot the question right back at your partner. Your partner is not accusing or interrogating, she/he is being proactive about his/her health—and yours too. Remember, this convo is a dialogue (or trialogue, etc.). And if our partners don't ask, that's no reason not to speak up ourselves.
Next, don't forget these questions have answers, and our partners may not respond the way we expect or hope they will. It's important to be prepared for this. Each of us has the right to refuse to engage in sex with any person for any reason, and if your partner's herpes disclosure is a deal-breaker for you, that's your prerogative. However, a little background can help immensely when our partners or we have STIs.
Be prepared with some follow-up questions. ""Are you taking medication for that? When was your last outbreak?"" Questions like these can help us more accurately assess what risks are involved in sexual activity and will help prevent us from dismissing a potential partner based on our own ignorance of STIs and their transmission.
Lastly, knowing our own status is the foundation of this conversation. Some STIs do not have routine screening tests, so a key part of knowing our complete status is to know ourselves. Grab a hand mirror and have a look from time to time—if you notice any new bumps or inflammation, get it checked out.
Chlamydia and gonorrhea can be screened with a urine test. HIV and syphilis are done with a blood test. An oral swab can be used to test for HIV in some Madison locations. Female-bodied individuals can be tested for some strains of HPV with a pap smear. Locations offering some or all of these tests include UHS, Planned Parenthood (check out its new location on South Park Street), AIDS Network, Briarpatch and Access Community Health Centers.
Thanks again for your question, TaC, and best of luck with the new guy. While ordinarily I would try to end my column with some dorky pun, this week I want to close with a big shout-out to my anti-homie, state Sen. Glenn Grothman, R-West Bend: Hey dude, talking about being gay doesn't turn you gay any more than talking about being pregnant turns you pregnant. But if you're worried about that, wouldn't it be best for you to just never open your mouth about queer issues ever again? Yeah. Good chat. Thanks.
E-mail Erica all your sex questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
