I have been looking for a good way to spice things up with my boyfriend and my friend told me about a Sex Out Loud program where you talked about bondage. I don't really know anything about it and I don't really even have a question, but I was just wondering if you could talk about it as a way to improve your sex life.
Thank you,
M.I.
Hey M.I.! Thanks a million for suggesting a really great topic. I get asked about bondage a lot, and in fact, I think your lack-of-a-question demonstrates a really key component of trying out bondage or anything BDSM (Bondage, Dominance/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism)-related for the first time; it's really important to know our capabilities and limitations. Since BDSM can play with the boundaries between pleasure and pain (sometimes in extreme ways), it's super important to make sure we know what we're doing—and to be able to admit when we don't.
People engage in bondage for all sorts of reasons, and an oft-cited one is to ""spice things up"" or try something new. Some of the appeals include the visual aspect—maybe your partner looks totally hot all tied up. Perhaps it gets you both good and worked up to take your sweet time getting tied to the bed wrist by wrist, ankle by ankle. Many people can't get enough of the physical and psychological sense of submission or dominance. People often couple bondage with other activities that can fall under the BDSM umbrella, such as flogging or role-playing. While it's true bondage is not for everyone, and there's no guarantee bondage will improve your sex life, it's also true that there are a number of easy ways to get started with bondage to see if it is your cup of tea.
The first step to enjoying your bondage scene is to make sure you and your partner(s) are comfortable with the idea of being tied up. While part of the appeal of BDSM can be the taking of control or power (as the Dominant or Dom/Domme) or the yielding of control or power (as the sub), all partners involved have an equal say in how the scene will go. Make sure there is no ambiguity in anyone's expectations—""Is it okay if I tie you up?"" is not good enough. How will you tie up your partner? Wrists only? Wrists and ankles? What will you use? How long is your partner comfortable being in bondage? What will your safeword be? All of these things must be worked out before the scene (the encounter) will take place. This is called negotiation.
A note on safewords—a safeword is a method by which one can let his/her partner(s) know a boundary has been crossed. It's important to remember that any partner in a scene can use the safeword—it does not make one a bad Dom or a bad sub to have limits. Often, the safeword is a verbal word or short phrase unlikely to come up over the course of the scene, such as ""cheese wheel."" However, a safe ""word"" can also be a sound (e.g. knock twice on the bed) or an action (e.g. drop the silk scarf you've been holding since the scene started). Whatever it is, it and its meaning need to be agreed upon by both partners before the scene begins.
Next, some bondage safety tips. There are few absolutes when it comes to sex or sex play, but one of them is: never, ever leave a tied-up person alone. Not only are there potential physical dangers, like a fire, but we can't always predict how we will react in a given scenario. If the tied-up person becomes uncomfortable and uses the safeword, it's extremely important for someone else to be there. Keep a sharp pair of scissors (EMT scissors work well) on hand to get someone out of bondage quickly—do not use a knife. Additionally, the material you use for bondage is important. Choose a rope that is not too thin (which can cut skin) and not too thick (which can be hard to tie securely). Be aware of any allergies or sensitivities, which can come into play with some rope materials such as hemp. If you choose handcuffs, consider police-issue ones—not only do they lock in place, preventing them from becoming too tight on the limbs, but you also have the option of calling the police if you lose your key.
Finally, there are a thousand resources that will be much more helpful in learning the actual techniques of bondage than I could be in this brief, visual aid-less column. Check out ""Two Knotty Boys"" at the bookstore or at knottyboys.com, Jay Wiseman's ""Erotic Bondage Handbook,"" or Chanta Rose's ""Bondage for Sex."" For inspiration (if not explicit how-to's), you can try kink.com or punishmemaster.com. Lastly, Satyricon and the Madison Area Whippersnappers are two great local organizations that will allow you to learn techniques from a real person, in case you're interested in trying techniques beyond what you can learn in a book.
Thanks again for the question, M.I. Learning all there is to learn about bondage can be a lifelong process, but I hope the beginners' tips and resources I suggested will allow you to start learning the ropes.
Have questions about sex? Of course you do. E-mail Erica with all your sex-related inquiries at sex@dailycardinal.com.
