Deer Cardinal-
My roommate never showers, and it's driving me nuts. Whenever I have girls over, they say the room smells bad, and he's usually there just playing video games anyways. How can I get him to stop being such a cock block and take a damn shower?
—Greg S.
Leggo my Greggo—
Sorry to hear about the cock block, brah. I roomed with a mourning dove my freshman year, and he was the same way. That stupid emo dick would just sit in the corner of the room listening to Death Cab and writing poetry. I can only assume his poems were about crying all day and never feeling like using the birdbath. One day I brought back this large-breasted swallow after a night at The Coop, and he just started crying! What a tool.
Anyway, my solution was to eat a bunch of worms and puke them up in his bed, but I get the feeling you human-types wouldn't be so cool with that. But that doesn't mean you can't use my shenanigans as a template for dealing with your roomie.
The next time he's taking a nap after an all-night World of Warcraft session, dump a bottle of Febreeze on him ""by accident."" If he doesn't get the hint, the next time you go out on a date, spray obscene amounts of cologne on his stuff when he's not looking. He'll either catch on or develop a crippling allergy to your fragrances and go home for the semester. Either way, you both come out smelling like roses.
Deer Cardinal-
I never have time to work out anymore and I'm worried about my weight. How can I fit in a decent exercise regimen with 16 credits, a full-time job and time with my boyfriend?
—Julie C.
Jules of the Nile—
It can be hard to fit everything into a single day, but with the right amount of planning, everything will ""work out,"" if you know what I mean. The easiest way to start is to run to and from every class. You're already crunched for time, so this shouldn't be a difficult change. If sprinting to class lets you get there a bit early, do a few pull-ups in the door frame of the classroom. When you're at work, use every single break to do a combination of push-ups, sit-ups and wind sprints. A standard bathroom stall won't accommodate crunches, but a handicapped stall will, so try to hide out in there and do your workouts. If anyone knocks, yell, ""be thankful you can use the other stalls, dammit!"" and use only your arms (a workout in itself) to push yourself off the ground and onto the toilet. With all those frequent trips to the bathroom, you'll be losing weight regardless, so mixing in leg lifts during bowel movements gives you a (literal) leg up on the competition.
Ask Deer all of your pressing questions at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
