With the beginning of the semester upon us, most people are easing back into classes, cursing their sudden lack of free time and pining for the carefree days of winter break. While I hardly call myself a fan of school, I will say that the beginning of the semester is my favorite two weeks of the school year, by far. Not only are there very few academic commitments, but every discussion section begins with the same awkward introduction by the TA. For those of you who are extending your vacations by an extra week and claiming that you ""just switched sections,"" here's a relatively accurate transcript of what you missed.
TA: Uh, hey guys, how's it going? Everyone's here for Comm. Arts 250, right?
(Silence.)
TA: Haha, ok then! Well anyways, I'm Stacy, and I'll be your TA this semester. Now, I know that ice breakers are totally lame, but just so I can start to learn your guys' names, we're going to do a few ice breakers! Is that cool with everyone?
(Silence, broken only by a girl texting directly in front of the TA )
TA: You know? Cool! Because it's an ice breaker? Get it?!?! Haha!
""That Guy"": HAHAHA hilarious Stace! It's ok if I call you Stace, right Stace?
TA: Of course you can! You can call me Stace, Stacy, Stacerino, whatever makes you feel comfortable! Heck, I'll probably even respond to ""hey you, teacher lady!""
(The class laughs unenthusiastically. The girl directly in front of the TA has her Blackberry on the desk and is actively texting.)
TA: Ok then! When I call your name, why don't you say your name, where you're from, and something interesting about you! Let's start with... Marcus... Antod-... Antodooki-...
Marcus: ...Antadoukian
TA: Sorry! I'm the worst at names, haha! It's always been a weakness of mine, along with Comm. Arts, grading and the English language!
Marcus: Uh... Well anyways, I'm Marcus, I'm from Milwaukee, and... there's nothing really interesting about me... um... well, I really like dogs, I guess.
TA: Oh wow, you like dogs? I love dogs, absolutely adore them. I have six of them at the apartment I share with my boyfriend, who is definitely not the professor of this course!
Class: ...
TA: Moving on! Let's see, is it... Ariel Berkowitz?
Ariel: Yup, but just call me Ari.
TA: Oh wow, not Ariel, like ""The Little Mermaid""?
Ariel: Maybe if I wasn't a dude.
TA: (singing) Under the sea! Haha, that movie was great! Not one of the ones we're studying this semester, unfortunately!
(The girl directly in front of the TA plays a YouTube video of ""Under the Sea"" on her Blackberry with the volume on)
Ari: Right... Well I'm Ari, I'm from New York, and... um... I like cats.
TA: Sweet merciful Christ! CATS?!?! I LOVE CATS! I WOULD GLADLY SACRIFICE MY FIRSTBORN CHILD WITH PROFESSOR FABER FOR A CAT! DO YOU HAVE ANY CATS?!?!
Ari: Uh, no.
TA: Cool! Great! Well, do you want to get any later on?
Ari: Uh, no.
TA: Wow! That's unbelievably fascinating! Well, nice to meet you Ariel! (singing) Under the seeeeeea, haha! Let's see, who's next...
(15 minutes later)
TA: Well, I guess that's all of you! I can already tell this is going to be an awesome class! Now, let's go over the syllabus...
(One guy in the back is already asleep. Several other guys are discreetly checking out the hottest girl in the class and awkwardly pulling their hoodies down to hide their boners. The girl in the front is having a phone conversation with someone named Rocco.)
TA: Now, that 10 percent for participation isn't a gimme, you know! You need to raise your hand at least three times per class, because, let's be honest, I'll be way too hungover to actually teach you guys anything most Friday mornings. Thirsty Thursdays, am I right?!?! You guys know what I'm talking about!
""That Guy"": HAHAHA Thirsty Thursday! Did you come up with that yourself Stace?
TA: Well, it's almost time to go. Does anyone have any questions for me before we leave?
(Everyone is silent. ""That guy"" is raising his hand, but the TA is ignoring him. Even the girl directly in front has put her Blackberry away and is waiting on the edge of her seat.)
TA: Well, I'll see you guys next week! I can already tell, this is going to be a great semester!
E-mail Kevin your TA horror stories at kevslane@gmail.com.
