My boyfriend wants to try anal sex, but I am not as excited about it as he seems to be. ... I am just unconvinced that it's going to feel good, and I'm honestly a little scared. How do I make sure everything is safe and pleasurable for both of us?
—Anal Sex Starter
Thanks for supplying the requisite buttsex question, ASS—I always wonder how long it'll take before somebody asks a question about anal, so props for asking a question that I guarantee is on many people's minds.
Anal sex is an activity many people have tried—numbers range from 11 percent of teens (Kaiser Family Foundation, 2005) to 40 percent of self-identified hetero females ages 25-44 (ASS has given me permission to share that she is a 21-year-old, heterosexual woman; also, that stat comes from the CDC). The Joy of Gay Sex states 30-35 percent of self-identified gay men have anal sex on a regular basis. I like these stats because it's common for people to erroneously conflate ""gay (male) sex"" and ""anal sex."" But there is clearly a) lots of ""gay sex"" being had that is not anal sex and b) lots of ""straight sex"" being had that is anal sex.
These numbers also show that trying anal sex or enjoying anal play doesn't make us weird or outside some arbitrary spectrum of sexual normalcy. Some people love what they see as the naughtiness of anal sex, and that's fine too; if it's kinky for you and you get off on that, that's all that matters. But buttsex is a common, normal activity,and can absolutely be safe and pleasurable. (Side note: I'm not trying to turn the entire Daily Cardinal readership into ass connoisseurs. If anal doesn't float your boat, that's fine; personal boundaries should always be respected. My point here is simply that individuals who are interested in exploring anal play are in good company.)
Another idea that sometimes steers people away from the back door is the unjustified fear of the shitstorm. For all of the assholes out there who are convinced that the anus leads to nothing but a giant poop cave: this is completely untrue. I've explained a million times how feces are stored several inches up inside the colon, away from the anus until you need to go, so I'm not going to go into that anatomical detail again—however, I do want to point out that part of the reason we get so worked up about poop is because we think we're really clean people and we don't have much contact with it in our day-to-day lives. Guess again, folks. I'll leave the shitty-gritty details between you and Google, but let me assure you that each and every day, shit happens. And we're still alive. We're fine. Life is good. So chill out.
The bottom line is that a non-freaked-out mindset is important, and if we're worried we're weirdos or that we'll get covered in poop, we're probably freaked out. But beyond calming down, there are some physical pointers to relaxing and enjoying the ride. Number one is lube—copious, copious amounts of lube. The anus does not lubricate itself, and friction or tightness will undoubtedly make the experience less enjoyable for both partners. Silicone-based lube works well for anal play because it's thicker and it lasts longer, but it cannot be used with silicone toys. Water-based lubes will do the job just fine, but be aware that you may want to reapply if it dries up or gets absorbed into the skin. There is no negotiation on this one: An unlubed rear may equal a tear.
Next, ""anal sex"" does not equal ""anal penetration,"" and penetration is most likely what we associate with pain, whether we're the insertive or receptive partner. One thing that might help you relax, ASS, is to tell your boyfriend, ""Hey. I'm willing to explore this anal thing with you, but no penetration 'til I say so."" Then both of you can get to know your assholes together. Try a vibrator around the anal opening. See how you like rimming. As I mentioned, this allows (both of) you to get to know how you respond to anal stimulation, and it also helps to physically relax your ass and prepare it for pleasure.
If and when you're ready to start penetration, start small. Lube up your pinky finger and slide it in, one knuckle at a time. Ready for more? Use your index finger. Try a butt plug. Additionally, ""anal sex"" doesn't necessarily mean exclusively anal contact. Have your partner (or yourself) simultaneously stimulate you up front, or massage your nipples, or whatever. While the anus is heavily innervated and anal stimulation can be pleasurable in and of itself, coupling this new pleasure with stimulation you know you enjoy can heighten the sensation as well as help you relax.
Finally, the necessity of lube excluded, anal sex requires no additional safety precautions than the ones you'd take with any other sexual activity: a condom if you and your partner are not monogamous or fluid-bonded, a sex dam for rimming, etc. And pain can actually be a good thing—anal penetration should not hurt. Things might not be instantaneously orgasmic when we try anal the first time, but if anything hurts beyond a little discomfort, that's the body's signal to slow down. Add more lube. Massage those muscles. So while these tips will help us reach the ultimate goal of having pleasurable, pain-free buttsex, a little bit of pain isn't inherently bad; it can help teach us about our bodies so we learn the safest ways to pleasure them.
Thanks again for your question, ASS, and best of luck in the buttsex quest. With a little communication, experimentation and lubrication, I am 100 percent sure everything will be fantasstic.
Something amiss in your love life? E-mail Erica with all your questions and concerns at sex@dailycardinal.com.
