The ""Twilight"" series is the ""Romeo and Juliet"" of our generation. Like, seriously. Well, that's what Chris Weitz (""The Golden Compass""), director of the latest installation in the vampire saga, ""New Moon,"" would like us to believe, anyway. It is not enough that in her second ""Twilight"" novel, Stephanie Meyer blatantly rips off the Elizabethan classic. Weitz determines that the fan base cannot make this connection for themselves, and so in the opening shot, next to our sleeping heroine, Bella, lies a copy of that most famous of love stories. It is an association that we are supposed to carry with us through the whole film, and one that gives Meyer far too much credit.
You know the drill. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), an awkward but pretty teen falls for Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a hottie from the wrong side of the grave. Sure he vants to suck her blooood, and yeah, the reason why he's dating her is pretty much because her sanguineous scent reminds him of a hot 'n saucy BBQ sandwich, but he's a totally nice vampire! He and the rest of his clan don't feed on humans, just everything else that bleeds. Also, he doesn't burn in the sun like the vamps in HBO's far superior ""True Blood,"" he glitters like a rhinestone. So it's totally safe for them to date, right? In an all-too-fleeting moment of logic, Edward decides it probably isn't.
Bella is left with a broken heart and a habit for throwing herself into near-death situations just to catch a glimpse of her beloved ex. While Edward himself is nowhere to be found for the majority of the movie, we learn that although he refuses to be with Bella, he plans on kicking the bucket whenever she does. In Italy. How very Shakespearean (and original).
So how does the pop writer of the decade fill up all of that lonesome, longing space with some chiseled, supernatural excitement? Werewolves! That's right, for those of you who are turned off by the sophisticated but bloodthirsty Cullens, you can get your ya-yas from a pack of Calvin Klein underwear models who double as giant wolfbears. The hottest of these ""wereboys,"" Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), comforts Bella in her time of woe by helping her fix some motorcycles. As he gets closer to her, Jacob helps bring out Bella's wild side, and provides the last necessary angle for an oh-so forbidden, yet perfectly chaste love triangle.
Of the three main actors, Lautner provides the best performance. Not that it is genius by any means, but it is thoroughly adequate, and he provides a charming contrast to his paler counterparts. Pattinson broods around like a lobotomized Brando, and Stewart looks so bored and annoyed it's like she is trying to suck. As seen by her performance in Sean Penn's ""Into The Wild,"" Stewart is a once-indie darling who can actually act, and perhaps this performance is her attempt to escape the clutches of her ""Twilight"" contract without being chased by Twi-hards and Hollywood execs wielding pitchforks.
It's not all bad, though. A couple of members of the Volturi, an Italian vampire pack who are significantly more liberal with their diets, provide some much needed entertainment in the film. Michael Sheen (""Frost/Nixon"") is wonderfully menacing as the aristocratic Aro, and surprisingly, Dakota Fanning is completely disturbing as the sadistic Jane. One performance that also has to be mentioned is that of Anna Kendrick as Bella's self-involved friend Jessica. Kendrick's spot-on delivery actually provides some laughs in this otherwise humorless film.
Grade: C
