Every night before I get my beauty sleep, I put my cucumbers on, lie on my pink silk sheets in my Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Things collection laced bra with matching crotchless panties and I think to myself, why do I feel so objectificationed all the time?
It's like, you know? I mean, at work, it's the worst, and I always feel like the guys there treat me like I'm some piece of chicken or something! No one understands that my job as a receptionist requires a lot of bending over to pick up those super heavy file folders, and my boss thinks he can snap my g-string anytime my tight, curvy butt is in the air, which is a lot! He definitely does not have permission to snap it every time, because once in a while I don't wear a thong and that would be sooo embarrassing if he found out!
What's literally worse is that on the street, I get cat-calls all the time about how voluptuous and sexy my curvy body is. That's so rude! As if I need something else to worry about when the wind is blowing up my little black dress and exposing my lady business! We all know I can't do more than one thing at a time without getting totally confused. And can't you people see from my sticky-outy, braless nipples that I'm cold? Oh my God, and do you know how hard it is to walk in five-inch pumps? I didn't think so, mister!
Like, yeah. Oh! And another thing! I just don't get why at parties, guys think they can say and do whatever they want to me. Here is my rule: if you're taking body shots off my toned, tanned abs, then at least have a little respect for me. You're not going to get in these skinny jeans until I get the skinny on you (oh my God, I think I made a joke!)! Getting to know me takes at least a half hour and I'm not talking the half hour where you're creeping on me and my girls while we're up on the bar, shaking our things! Hey ladies! Luv you!
But seriously, other guys aren't even an issue right now because I found my prince charming. Wait, what am I talking about again? Oh yeah! Feeling objectificationed. Even my boyfriend feels like other men don't treat me right, like last night, when I was cage dancing for him, he stopped me mid-routine and said, ""Baby, other men don't treat you right."" I was like, I know! I don't understand it! And he was all like, ""Maybe it's because your boobs aren't big enough."" And then he offered me a free boob job, on him! I was like, totally! Maybe guys will start to treat me like normal then!
The best part about my new boobs is that I finally got a spot on Manswers. I've been applying for like, a year and I'm super psyched that they actually gave me a chance! I've always dreamed of being a sex symbol like Marilyn Manson or something. Wait, was it Marilyn Manson? Yeah, that sounds right! Anyway, so for my part, I have to wear a schoolgirl outfit and pretend I can't open a pickle jar (which isn't hard because I can't get those things open anyway!) and then pout. I'm so great at pouting, ask any of my boyfriends!
So, like, yeah. Manswers is really going to open up some windows for me. I doubt that any one of you men out there will objectification me after I become a star!
xoxo,
Krystal
If you guys want to apologize for degradizing me, please e-mail me at evanpay@wisc.edu.
