As the two big T's—turkey and tests—approach, a sense of chaos starts to creep into our lives. We come to the realization that (1) the semester ends in four weeks, (2) most of us haven't read the readings/gone to class/remember where the class is and (3) we just WANT A FREAKING BREAK, THAT IS ALL WE ASK, OH MY GOSH COME ON ALREADY!!!!
So.
In times of intense desperation, sometimes all we want are answers, something to take the edge off our fear of what is to come.
Enter: the horoscope.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are the Ram; you like to do things your way and only your way. During Thanksgiving, when your mom asks you to cut up the string beans with a smaller knife, you don't listen and will cut yourself, resulting in a loss of blood and any sense of pride.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Opportunity is knocking at your door and it's not just your ""buddy"" at 4 a.m. looking for ""a place to crash."" By semester's end, you'll be offered a job in exactly the field you're majoring in and exactly the profession you love. Of course, this is too good to be true, and after several weeks of work, you'll realize the building you work in is actually a brothel and your position is just the precursor to a lifetime of prostitution.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
That piece of chicken you found lodged between your couch cushions last week is, contrary to your roommates' remarks, completely safe to eat. Its protein will enhance your studying, and its two-month exposure to room-temperature climates will give you just the right amount of nausea to vomit up that disgusting mushroom dish your aunt made.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The moon will move closer into your sign next week and stay for an unusually long period of time. This means nothing except that your room will be very bright at night and you'll have to pull your shades down.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Your intense consumption of turkey, stuffing and yams with marshmallows will leave you unrecognizably overweight by dinner's end. Thus, your family will cry ""intruder!"" and throw you out of the house, where you will live on bark and pine nuts. After seven long days, you'll shrink back to natural size.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your constant complaining lately will get the best of you when you meet a blind, deaf and mute person at the bus station. Realizing how lucky you really are, you'll give the person $10 and gain a new sense of purpose in your life. That day, you'll trip on a rock in a desolate area. You'll suffer a broken foot and arm before realizing the $10 you gave to the person could have paid for a cab ride to the hospital. You'll complain.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)
Aquarius will move into your sign this week, causing you to feel suffocated and tell it to ""fuck off!"" However, because of your peace-making quality, you'll urge it to come back and you'll both resolve the matter over a beer and a really good game of ""Uno.""
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
You'll fall asleep at the library two hours before your exam and wake up just in time to race to class. You'll get there, find it empty and realize the exam isn't for another two days. Once home, you'll sleep, eat a bagel and refresh your Facebook page a record-breaking 72 times per hour.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
As the Centaur (half human, half horse) you'll eat more on Thanksgiving than your aunt, uncle, cousin and dog—combined. Thus, you'll later make a crap that rivals the Eiffel Tower.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your love life will flourish when you finally get a haircut, wear pants that fit and shower on days other than Saturday.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
As an air sign, you'll rip the loudest fart at the Thanksgiving table—then blame it on your uncle.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Next week, you'll successfully pop not only the pimple under your chin, but also the one on your forehead. People will pass you and say, ""You look great!"" but just remember, they also said that to your pregnant sister.
Want some more celestial guidance? E-mail me at gleicher@wisc.edu and we can set up an appointment. $10/hour. See you then.
