Hello Erica,
I have a question for your column...I want to have intercourse with my boyfriend, but his penis is really big. What's a good position or any tips to eliminate as much discomfort as possible?
— S.R.
Howdy, S.R.! Thanks for your question. Many people assume a bigger penis equals bigger pleasure, but a) lots of other factors are far more important for pleasure, and b) a big dick can also present a few complications.
First, a couple tips: warm-up and LUBE. By warm-up, I mean making sure you, presumably the receptive partner based on your concern for your partner's penis size, are fully aroused and ready to receive penetration. You or your partner can try manual stimulation, toys, oral sex, erotica or dirty talk to help make sure both of you are fully in the mood before intercourse. When beginning penetration, you can also work your way up; start with a finger, then two fingers, then perhaps a small dildo. This will keep you from experiencing cockshock when your boyfriend pulls out the, erm, big gun. Additionally, the warm-up doesn't apply to one singular sex session; over time, both the vagina and the anus can become accustomed to handling a larger object, whether it is longer, thicker or both.
LUBE is in caps for a reason. Use it, and use it copiously. Silicone lube tends to be a bit thicker and longer-lasting, but it cannot be used with silicone toys. Water-based lube will certainly work for these toys, but avoid oil-based lubes if you're using latex barriers; oil breaks down latex.
There are also plenty of positions that will allow for either vaginal or anal penetration without allowing your boyfriend to insert the full length of his cock. One relatively familiar position is reverse cowgirl but with a slight modification: Lean back and align yourself more with your partner's belly button, rather than pelvis to pelvis, so his penis has to travel to reach you. This position allows you, as the receptive partner, to maintain control of the speed, depth and angle of penetration, while also holding your pelvis several inches above your partner's, keeping him from entering you fully. This can also be accomplished by supporting yourself with your feet in a squatting position instead of sitting or kneeling directly on top of your partner. One other position is straight-up missionary, but with your legs closed (seems counterintuitive, perhaps, but it works). Your thighs will cushion you from too much penetration, and they will also help your partner feel as though he's all the way inside you (especially if you lube up your thighs). Spooning is another good one that will work well for vaginal penetration, but not as well for anal.
Finally, one position which may not be as pleasurable is doggy style. Doggy style allows for deep penetration, which can be great for many couples but can also be complicated by a partner using a big insertive object. Rapid thrusting in this position can also push air into the anus or vagina, further increasing the sensation of uncomfortable fullness. While I certainly won't advise you to avoid doggy-style at all costs, it may not be the best position to start with for the noted reasons. Best of luck as you try to work it out—and, as it were, work it in.
My girlfriend and I want to do more physical things, but neither of us thinks we're ready for sex. Are there any other things we can do before we decide we want to have sex? We've already been making out and sometimes had oral sex.
— N.C.
While N.C. provides another excellent question, this one is a little tougher to answer. At a fundamental level, I cannot define ""sex"" for anybody else. What activities are considered sex for N.C. might be totally different from what I consider to be sex, which might be totally different from what my mom considers to be sex. So this will be one question we'll ultimately have to answer for ourselves.
The good news, however, is that the only limits we've got are the ones we and our partners set for ourselves. No one has any right to tell us what we're doing does or does not ""count"" as sex. So my suggestion to you, N.C., is to sit down with your partner and make a list of all the activities you're interested in and are comfortable trying. For inspiration, you can use the Internet, erotica or your favorite movie. You can incorporate toys, role-playing, erotic massage, dirty talk or bondage. When you're done with your lists, you and your partner can compare to see what activities you had in common, and if one of you had fun ideas the other hadn't considered.
Finally, two key things you and your partner seem to have going for you are your respect for each others' personal boundaries and a willingness to explore. No matter the sexual activities we are or are not engaging in, communicating with our partners about what does and does not turn us on is a huge part of the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship. So no matter what you decide to try, rest assured you've already got many of the necessary components of a healthy sex life.
Have any questions about sex that you're burning to ask? E-mail Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com.
