While perusing through the old Daily Cardinal bounds the other day, I happened upon a quite extraordinary find. In one of the first issues of The Daily Cardinal (circa 1892), I discovered the original application form for a Page Two columnist! My, how the times have changed... I don't think I would have made the cut back then. Here's the application, reprinted in modern English for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
1) Male or Female: Circle One (Note, if you are a female, you likely cannot read. Education is for males only, and women should remain blissfully ignorant in their domestic home lives. Hence, if you are a female and can read this, don't bother to turn in this page 2 application. Journalism is run by wealthy white males).
2) How many goats do you own? How many goats would you be willing to trade in order to receive a columnist position? (Note: If you don't have any goats, don't bother applying).
3) Describe your goat(s) in 300 words or less.
4) Write down your two best Grover Cleveland jokes in the space below:
5) Which Vaudeville performers most influence your humour and why? What Vaudeville act encapsulates your style as a columnist?
6) Would you say you're more like John Phillip Sousa or Scott Joplin? Why?
7) What do you think of all this ""steam-powered cart"" and ""flying machine"" nonsense that everyone is talking about?
8) Have you ever had polio or scarlet fever? The Daily Cardinal cannot expose themselves to that kind of risk.
9) Seriously, how many goats can we expect you to donate to us in exchange for a columnist spot? The goat market is slow right now.
10) Is your grandfather a Civil War veteran? If, so what side did he fight on? (Note: If you answered yes to the first question and Confederate to the second question, please tear up application immediately).
11) Do you think certain folk shouldn't be allowed to vote?
12) Out of these choices, which turns you on the most?
a) Goats b) The Whig party c) Carpetbaggers d) Jefferson Davis Bobblehead Night
13) Do you believe The Daily Cardinal should listen to its Board of Directors and print their issues on the hide of skinned buffalos, or continue to use this fancy newsprint paper? Why?
14) What do you make of this Thomas Edison fellow and his silly strip motion picture film nonsense? Just a passing fad, or does the idea have legs?
15) Do you think we should make the Utah territory into a state? Do you?!
a) Sure! b) What's in it for me? c) As long as we burn it down and start over
16) Give us your goats. Yes, we realize this is not, in fact, a question.
Interested in donating your excess goats to Jon? Ths entire column was a ploy in order to satisfy Jon's craving for goat milk. Let him know if you have any extra at spike@wisc.edu.
