In a recent nationwide poll published by the National Publication of Recent Polls, an overwhelming majority of Madison residents said they believe fashion, brands and image are the most important aspects of an individual's personality.
Madison was just one of the major U.S. cities that participated in the poll, and its results were earth-shattering. One question in particular had an almost complete sway in a single direction. When residents were asked, ""How big should the Ralph Lauren Polo horse be?"" 99 percent of participants responded with, ""As big as the child laborers can make it.""
Those who did not respond as such were either so senile that they wore high-waisted jeans for real or turned out to be a cactus.
These astonishing results push Madison into the number-one spot as Most Fashion-Conscious City in the U.S.—far surpassing New York and Los Angeles, once thought to be meccas of American style. However, looking at the people on the streets of downtown Madison, one can clearly see that the grandiose title is aptly given.
When asked about the role of fashion in his life, UW-Madison zoology professor Steve Greenebrier said, ""I usually don't answer the questions of students who are wearing Aeropostale. I mean, come on, I'm a professional here and must act it.""
His frustration for those wearing mall-brand clothing is a feeling that is mutual for him and a number of faculty and students at UW-Madison. For UW-Madison junior Ricky Delloway, 21, girls without Coach purses are girls not even worth a first glance.
""We are living in the 21st century here. All girls should know that guys are totally turned off by non-Coach purses and also Coach purse knockoffs,"" Ricky said. ""As a modern man, it is my duty to search for signs of genuinely pricey craftsmanship on all women's accessories. When I encounter even the slightest alteration in the design and integrity of the piece, I lose my respect and any boners, present and future, for the offender,"" added Ricky. ""I just want my future trophy wife to be as real as possible.""
Even the more free-spirited side of Madison, known for its denial of the way society lives and its love for all things organic, has something to say about fashion victims. Raine Shephard, 26, founder of the Rainy Side of the Sun Cooperative on Williamson Street, has had to turn away at least 10 hopeful, earth-honoring applicants on the basis of their attire.
""We have a strict dress code here,"" she said. ""Personally, if you can't afford a Patagonia jacket, I have doubts about your commitment to my co-op.""
With a newly implemented 24-hour style watch, even Madisonian children are being taught the rules of acceptable dress. According to fashion maven Olivia Daruski, 9, of Madison's west side, ""I told Mommy that if she wears anything from Kohl's, she isn't allowed to drive me to school. I don't want my friends to call me Kohl's Mom Girl.""
Madisonians must continue to monitor their personal style and the style of their peers if our city is to stay with its hallowed title. Any fashion crimes, misdemeanor or felony, can be reported to VP at evanpay@wisc.edu. Be prompt, as I need to get these people off the streets as soon as possible. I, just like you, cannot stomach seeing non-Coach purses, and I just want to ensure that every woman understands the importance of blowing countless dollars on multi-colored sacks and how those necessary purchases affect the reputation of our school.
