Unless you are illiterate, live in the center of the Earth, or are my whorish ex-girlfriend Sherry, then you most certainly heard about the tale of little Falcon Heene: the boy who had America holding its collective breath at the end of last week. For a few gripping hours, authorities believed the child had climbed inside a large weather balloon the family built, and had set sail almost 7,000 feet above the Earth. As it turns out, the family likely faked the whole ordeal as a publicity stunt to get their own TV show.
Right now, it appears everyone is outraged over how selfish these parents are. I mean, who exploits their children in an effort to score a reality TV series? However, I'll play devil's advocate and defend them. This is not the first time someone has lied in order to score themselves ratings, publicity, or even their own show. In fact, I've decided to devote an entire column to discussing some of the most famous examples of blatant lying to gain attention. Enjoy!
Ellen Degeneres pretending to be a lesbian
News flash: Ellen likes boys. And no, I don't mean like how a six-year-old girl likes a boy on the kindergarten playground. Ellen Degeneres has been sitting on a throne of lies ever since her famous announcement in 1997. Now, I know what you're thinking: Ellen has gone as far as legally marrying Portia Di Rossi in California... how is she faking this? However, I'll counter with this: Portia Di Rossi is the most sexually appealing person on the face of Earth, regardless of sex. There, I said it.
Kirstie Alley pretending to be fat
Nice try, Kirstie Alley. I see what you want. You want to be the white Oprah Winfrey. Fat. Thin. Fat. Thin. Oh, what will she do next? The fact is, Kirstie was never fat. With a flagging career and lack of sex appeal, she decided to ""bulk up"" her resume. I never once believed all of this nonsense about her pushing 300 lbs, just like I never believed her show ""Fat Actress"" would live past episode three. Kirstie somehow milked that abomination of a show for seven episodes... now there is an Emmy-worthy performance!
Jon and Kate from ""Jon and Kate Plus 8"" pretending to have a divorce
Let's face it: Jon and Kate realize that no one else on this Earth could put up with each other's bullshit. They know they're stuck with each other. No other person could stand being in the same room with them for more than five minutes, and frankly I think every minute their eight children have to spend with them is equivalent to child abuse. There is NO WAY John had an affair with another woman. He's too large of a tool to find another woman. There is NO WAY Kate would separate from John. Men would much rather take a cheese grater to their eyeballs than listen to Kate's incessant complaining. They clearly faked this divorce to jack up ratings for their show, a crime I find much MUCH worse than this whole Balloon Boy Falcon fiasco. Personally, I think they faked this divorce just so the TLC Network could change the name of the show to ""John and Kate Plus Hate.""
My ex-girlfriend Sherry whoring it up to get on ""College Life""
No... my ex-girlfriend Sherry was completely pretending to be a dirty whorish slut to get on the short-lived ""College Life"" show on MTV that had a brief run at UW-Madison. Of course she didn't mean to cheat on me with those four other guys. Okay, so it was 14 other guys. Big deal. Don't read into it. (Ahem)
So as you can see, the Heene family is just one of the numerous examples of people doing anything it takes to make their star rise just a little higher. Think of it as that 50-something actress trying one last plastic surgery to get another two years out of her face, or a weathered old baseball veteran shooting that last dose of steroids into his bloodstream. Sure, he may not have any reproductive organs left, but sometimes that is the price of fame. That, or finding out your ex-girlfriend slept around to score some face time on a D-list TV show on MTV. Now that is embarassing.
Would you exploit your own first-born child in exchange for tickets to the next home Badger football game? Let Jon know about it at spike@wisc.edu.
