Hopefully the Euro-centric, commie-infested, elitist International Olympic Committee gets what's coming to ‘em.
The committee's October 2 decision to bequeath the 2016 Summer Olympics to flighty Rio de Janeiro and more consequentially, deny the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago, was blatantly offensive. I projectile vomited all over the orange Chicago 2016 gear in my apartment upon hearing that the one real city in the Midwest was out of the running.
The majority of the news sources I perused prior to last Friday's Great Denial were, by pure chance, American news outlets. Perhaps we were mislead by a mildly-pro American bias that included incessant descriptions of Chicago as ""the frontrunner."" Some outlets may have implied, ""America is riding a wave of renewed international popularity to the Olympics,"" and that Chicago would be the ""perfect backdrop for Michael Phelps' chiseled torso."" The fact that every country seemed the frontrunner in their own news sphere doesn't take the sting out of this outrageous loss.
How could they hand over the 2012 games to London when Tony Blair lobbies the committee, then deny the U.S. of A. when Barack Obama argues politely and eloquently?
The conceited committee allowed Madrid to make it to the second round; they love Europe and they aren't ashamed. Spaniard Juan Antonio Samaranch, former President of the International Olympic Committee, begged the committee prior to voting, ""I know that I am very near the end of my time... I am, as you know 89 years old. May I ask you to consider granting my country the honor and also the duty to organize the games in 2016."" His elitist European associates let Spain sneak through to the final round.
Chicago was a shoe-in—we should have won by default. Rio isn't prepared and already has the FIFA World Cup in 2014. Why do they get the two biggest shin-digs in the world within seven hundred days?
According to my wall map, Madrid is about two inches from London, who already has the 2012 summer games.
And the only other city, Tokyo, wasn't even a competitor. Their hotel rooms are almost literally stacked coffin-beds. Someone explain how they were going to build arenas in that burgeoning metropolis. We were going to build our stuff on an island in Lake Michigan. It would have been epic, like Chicago's Columbian Exposition or anything Coach Ditka does.
Do you have any idea how bad ass the Olympics would be in America this time? Oprah could rile up that city in seconds flat.
President Obama, it's time to drop the hammer, Captain America style. Rio doesn't affect the globe, at least not like the Stars and Stripes. America runs this little thing called ""The Free World."" Despite the fact that we take out loans to do it, America funds roughly half of all that makes the world function. If we aren't doing so hot, the world isn't doing so hot. We need the boost the Olympics would bring.
House Republican Minority Leader John Boehner torched Obama's efforts to improve American morale and the economy. Boehner claimed it was irresponsible for Obama to visit Copenhagen for a few hours, where he also met Gen. Stanley McChrystal, commander of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan, who was in nearby London at the time. Obama is currently reviewing the U.S.'s involvement in the war in Afghanistan. Imagine the Republicans' reaction if Obama had not gone—""he should have fought for it, we could have had the Olympics! He hates America!""
Conservative lazybones organization ""Americans for Prosperity"" literally cheered and applauded at a Reagan-themed conference in Virginia after hearing Chicago lost the 2016 bid.
Jon Stewart reacted most appropriately. ""For anyone keeping score, coservatives hate Obama more than they love America.""
The Olympic Committee's gross failure to choose Chicago is yet another example of Europe telling us Americans what we can and cannot do. You know what I say? Screw those commies. Let's have our own goddamn Olympics right here where we want them, American style.
Why wait till 2016? Al Roker predicted great weather for next summer. Start up the backhoes, Mayor Daley, you're getting your Olympics after all. Except we'll call them ""the United States of Olympia.""
UW-Madison will still get those brand new Lakeshore dorms to house the athletes. Madison will be the bike hub. Chicago will finally get a new train system. Milwaukee might actually have people stay for a few days.
Us Americans have the U.N. in New York, everyone loves our president and people respect our culture, from our Constitution to ""The Hills."" We deserve the Olympics. Or even better: The United States of Olympia.
If there's one lesson we should all learn from this Olympic debacle, it's that America can always be number one, as long as we make up our own competition.
Jamie Stark is a sophomore intending to major in journalism and political science. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
