My girlfriend and I just started having sex...we are having some problems because I cum before she does, and it takes her a lot longer. Is there anything I can do to ejaculate less quickly?
-M.E.
Fabulous question, M.E. and one that I have seen come up many times. The Mayo Clinic estimates as many as one out of three men will deal with eager ejaculation at some point in their sexual lives. Luckily, if you and/or your partner are concerned about it, then there are several things we can do to prolong the magic.
We are sexy people, and we have lots of hot spots that can produce powerful feelings during sex. However, there is one organ which is more powerful than the rest: our brains. It may seem odd that thinking caps are hotter than crotchless panties, but let's, ahem, think about this.
There are lots of things that turn us on that have nothing to do with touching, like the way our partner's ass looks in those jeans, the way her new perfume smells, the way he sounds when he sings along to Lady Gaga's ‘Paparazzi.' Our brains synthesize lots of sensory input, especially during sex. Sometimes, all that input speeds our cars on down the road to Pleasure Town.
But sometimes, our brains are like our old driver's ed instructor stomping on the brake—we're trying our hardest, but we just can't stop thinking about our stupid classmate who said the most bogus thing today. It really sucks to be your own personal cockblock, but that's your brain for you.
However, if we're looking to extend the time to orgasm, this can work to our advantage. One of the simplest things to help delay orgasm is to teach our brains to pull back a little bit. If you feel yourself on the verge of honorable discharge, focus on something else. You might try multiplication tables, fantasy football stats, or wtf was that guy's name who played Uncle Joey on Full House. This doesn't have to be so non-sexual we get turned off, but it gives our brains a little something to focus on besides how completely awesome we're feeling.
Some people don't like this technique because it requires us to pull out of ""the moment."" There are definitely other options if we prefer to focus on our partners during sex. The principle, however, is still the same—mix it up. Switch positions, slow your pace, do something else for awhile—again, not necessarily something completely non-sexual, like laundry, but try oral sex, manual stimulation, making out, etc.
The more sex we have, the likelier it is that we'll find certain things do the trick every time. When we know we're just about to shoot the moon, we can avoid those things if we want to last just a little longer.
Finally, there are also a few accoutrements available to help delay the magic moment. The first is a cock ring. Cock rings are made of a variety of materials, and they are worn around the base of the penis, trapping blood in the shaft. This makes erections harder and bigger (alas, you'll have to provide the faster, stronger yourself). It also can prolong the erection, delaying time to orgasm.
A couple safety tips for cock rings—make sure the fit is either adjustable or specifically fitted for you. If your dick gets cold or painfully hard, that's a sign that your cock ring is too tight, or that you've been wearing it too long; first-time users should stick to 20 minutes or so. Finally, all that extra blood in the penis may cause greater sensitivity, so it may not always work to delay ejaculation; some men find themselves crossing the finish line before their partners have gotten their racing shoes on.
Additionally, what kinds of condoms are we using? Some condoms are made of thicker material than others, some have a snugger fit, etc.; experiment with a variety of rubbers to see if thicker material means a more gradual climb to the top, etc. That said, one trick I would not recommend is numbing lube. Sure, it might make you last longer, but when your dick is numb, you have trouble feeling pleasure—which may keep you from having an orgasm at all—and you also have trouble feeling pain, which may be a huge problem if, for example, you can't realize your cock ring is too tight.
Last but not least, you'll notice lots of these suggestions include some idea of experimenting or practicing. For practice, we can have lots of sex—or we can masturbate. Masturbation allows us to see what works for us, and without a partner to please, we can focus exclusively on ourselves.
And speaking of masturbation, take a second to ask yourself—how are you doing it? Maybe we light candles, take a bubble bath, put on silk boxers and a little Lionel Richie and take our sweet ass time; but maybe we take 60 seconds to vigorously rub one out and go to bed.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes all I friggin' want is to rub one out and go to bed, but if we're continually training our bodies to respond to that kind of stimulation, we can see how it might affect things when we bring a partner into the picture.
Huge thanks to DC readers for their feedback on last week's column, and thanks again to M.E. for supplying a question this week. Best of luck—keep at it, and I'm sure you will overcome.
Interested in learning about other sexy accoutrements? Email Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com. Also, the actor who played Uncle Joey was Dave Coulier.
