I've never really understood country music. I'm not exactly sure what a honky-tonk bar is, but I'm pretty sure that if one burned down, nobody would care. However, recently I was lucky enough to receive a sneak peek into the gritty underworld of country music and its stars.
It all started when I was trying to enjoy a sub-par burger at a local Texas Roadhouse. After one too many kiddie cocktails, I excused myself and stumbled to the bathroom. Three wrong turns later, I found myself in a labyrinthine basement area. The door at the end of the maze-like cellar had a window barely large enough for me to glance through, and I peered in to see where the door led. To my amazement, I saw every major country music star gathered for some sort of meeting. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but here's their exact conversation in its entirety:
Tim McGraw: Hello everyone, glad you could make it. Let's get this Country Music Stars meeting underway. First things first: Trace Adkins, we've received numerous complaints about your songs. You just aren't singing about God enough, hoss.
Trace Adkins: I know, I know. Honestly, I don't go to church all that much. Don't know nothin' ‘bout the bible or Jesus and stuff.
McGraw: Are you kidding me? Do you think any of us know anything about God or Christianity? We all just make stuff up. I mean, I know God did something important or is sort of a big deal or something like that.
Toby Keith: Hey, wasn't God like...uh, the invenentor of the alphabet or something?
McGraw: Yeah, that sounds right to me.
Taylor Swift: I think I heard God was the first dinosaur to trade with people.
McGraw: Uh, Taylor... maybe you should leave now. Is your mother coming to pick you up?
Shania Twain: Yeah, are you even old enough to have your driving temps yet?
(Taylor Swift leaves room crying)
McGraw: Well, I guess we're the reason for the ""Teardrops on her guitar""! Am I right?
(Room erupts in laughter)
McGraw: Alright, next order of business: how to treat women. We've had some country singers asking about if they should change their lyrics to imply that women should do something other than just be a stay-at-home mom. Reba, what do you think?
Reba McEntire: Hey, I think it's just fine treating women like they won't make it out of the kitchen. Women should aspire to be one of two things: either a country singer or a stay-at-home mom.
McGraw: Good, I'm glad we got that figured out. Say Big, where's your partner Rich right now?
Big: Uh, he's actually at our bankruptcy hearing right now. We're a bit tight financially.
McGraw: Haha, how embarrassing! I make a motion that we hereby refer to Big & Rich as Small & Impoverished. Is there a second to the motion?
Toby Keith: Second.
McGraw: All in favor?
Everyone: Aye.
McGraw: It's settled then. Your band name is now as embarrassing as your songs.
McGraw: Has anyone seen Eric Church? He's 30 minutes late!
Brad Paisley: Uh, you know how he always sang about loving his truck? Well, he actually tried literally making love to his truck the other day. Had to go to the emergency room when he got his, uh, lower extremity stuck in the fuel tank of his pickup. The doctors aren't sure if he'll ever be able to have children.
McGraw: I'm starting to think maybe it's better if Eric Church doesn't ever reproduce. Ever.
Kenny Chesney: Hey guys... What tired catchphrase should I turn into a song next? I was thinking of using ""What goes around comes around,"" but I'm not sure how to incorporate alcohol into it. Ideas?
Garth Brooks: How about ""Shut up woman, get on my horse?"" It's short and to the point.
Chesney: I like it!
McGraw: People! People! Y'all are gettin' off-topic here! The next order of business: NASCAR. We need to bring up NASCAR more in our songs! We're going to lose sponsorships if we don't talk about how great it is to crack a beer and watch NASCAR races on Sunday afternoons.
Zach Brown: Hey guys, what's going on in here?
McGraw: (Whispering to Chesney) Oh goddamnit, who told Zach Brown where the meeting was this week?
Brown: So yeah, I went to Tokyo for the meeting like you guys told me to, but I think you made a mistake. Our meeting wasn't in Tokyo at all! But no worries, I found it!
McGraw: Yeah, Zach... listen... the meeting's getting a little crowded, y'know? We don't want to violate any fire codes. Maybe you should leave...
Brown: But my mom made you guys cookies! Look, they're shaped like cowboy hats! Hilarious!
McGraw: You know what? Meeting's over. Christ, could we have just one meeting where some no-talent Nashville washout doesn't show up to ruin everything?
Blake Shelton: Sorry, hombre. No can do.
Would you interrupt Taylor Swift mid-speech to state your case for why ""Single Ladies"" is the best music video ever made? Let Jon know at spike@wisc.edu.
