Hi Erica,
I really liked your column so far and I wanted to ask you something that I've been thinking about a lot with my boyfriend lately. We've been together for a few months and the sex is pretty good, but I still masturbate several times a week. Is this normal? He makes me happy in bed, but I just still feel like masturbating sometimes. It's okay if you don't think this is interesting enough to put in your column—an e-mail response is fine.
Thanks,
K.C.
First off, K.C., every question I get from students gives me a big, giant orgasm, literally, because then I don't have to worry about what I'm going to write this week—I can go jack off instead. Whether it's a question, comment, or complaint, if students are interested enough to tell me what's on their minds, I'm interested in providing a response. So thanks for your e-mail.
Speaking of jacking off—yes, it's totally normal to masturbate while you're in a relationship. Just because you're doing it with a partner doesn't mean doing it with yourself feels any less spectacular. Sometimes our partners are not willing or able to help us keep up with our four-orgasm-a-day quota. Sometimes our partner is at class or asleep. Sometimes, its been a long-ass day and we just want to take 60 seconds to rub one out before bed without going through the whole rigmarole of partner sex. Whatever the reason is, if both of you are satisfied with sex you're having together, a little buttering of the toast on the side is totally normal and healthy. In fact, it can be beneficial to partner sex, as you discover new ways you enjoy being pleasured and communicate them to your partner.
What's more, even during solo sex, you're in good company. As certified sex educator and author Cory Silverberg reports, ""Kinsey's survey found that almost 40 percent of men and 30 percent of women in relationships masturbated. A study of Playboy readers found that 72 percent of married men masturbated, and a study of Redbook readers found that 68 percent of married women masturbated."" Further, whether you're in a relationship or not, masturbation becomes problematic only when it begins to interfere with your everyday life, e.g. if you are chronically blowing off other obligations to masturbate. So let your fingers do the walking—just make sure you take the time to walk to class, work, the store, etc. every once and again, too.
K.C. hasn't mentioned anything about his/her boyfriend's thoughts on masturbation, but let's suppose for a moment that my partner is uncool with the fact that I sometimes schedule a date with reliable old Mrs. Palmer. My partner says she/he's hurt by the fact that I still masturbate—isn't the sex good enough?
In this scenario, my partner has communicated genuine sexual concerns, which she/he has every right to express; all parties in a relationship deserve to have their sexual boundaries heard and respected by their partners. However, it's important that I'm satisfied in this relationship, too. Therefore, I might ultimately decide I can live without masturbating so much, and cut down out of concern for my partner. Or, I might decide I can't live without masturbating so much, and tell my partner it's a good idea for us to start seeing other people. Or, my partner and I might decide to work out a compromise, where OK, I don't masturbate as much—but we have partner sex at a higher frequency.
I'm not going to tell you which option is best; I don't know you, I don't know your partners, and I don't know your relationship. However, if I were a gambling woman and you told me you stopped masturbating because your partner didn't like it, even if she/he swore up and down that you'd have more partner sex, I'd put money on your relationship going down the fallopian tubes. Sex is important. It's certainly more important to some people than to others, but if our partner requires that we choke our choking-the-chicken habit, and we're kind-of-but-not-really OK with that, resentment is going to grow all over. You'll get antsy because you're not totally satisfied. Your partner will get upset because she/he feels obligated to have sex with you all the time. Compromises have to be realistic and they have to be maintained, and sexual incompatibility is not a shallow or inadequate reason to end a relationship.
Finally, I want to address that part of K.C.'s inquiry with the actual question in it: ""Is this normal?"" This lies at the root of most of our sex questions. In most other areas of our lives, we want to be special, above average, unique—but not in the bedroom. In the bedroom, we want to make sure we're normal.
You're normal. I'm normal. Your mom is normal. Your questions are normal. The fact that you have questions is normal. Our whole lives and especially our sex lives are one big, vast spectrum, and only a few of us are statistics majors—there is no normal curve when it comes to sex. We don't justify activities or attitudes based on what everyone else is doing. We justify our activities and our attitudes based on how they make us feel and how they make our consenting partners feel. So, K.C., if you're happy and your boyfriend is happy, that makes you a normal, happy couple. Good work!
If you would like to bring pleasure to Erica's life, we recommend sending her a question about your sex life at sex@dailycardinal.
