Disclaimer: No hipsters were harmed in the writing of this column.
MADISON, WI—Tens of twenties of Madison's hippest are gathered in mourning this afternoon following the news of the tragic death of local hipster Charles ""Wayne"" Duchene, 22, who died a horrific and most likely cliche death late Monday evening at a Foo Fee Foe concert.
Duchene's body was found in a puddle of his own PBR at approximately 11:15 p.m. Monday night at the entrance of The Dank Bank, an obscure venue located just off the Capitol Square.
A source confirms that the PBR in question did, in fact, belong to him, for once. He was seen purchasing it earlier that evening with his parents' American Express Platinum card, an account in which Duchene, a willingly unpaid barista at a State Street coffee shop, is an authorized user.
The cause of death is still under investigation, but at least two friends attest that Duchene's last known words were, ""If Foo Fee Foe plays ‘Foo Girls,' for the encore, I think I will die and go to folk-hop-nica heaven."" Duchene was known to have a strong attachment to the song ""Foo Girls,"" often saying it was the story of his life and that it reminded him of his ex-girlfriend who left him for a real musician.
Shortly after Foo Fee Foe began playing ""Foo Girls"" for the encore, Duchene reportedly disappeared from the pit around the stage crowded with sweaty, reeling hipsters. As of press time, it is unknown whether or not Duchene made it to folk-hop-nica heaven.
While most would call Duchene's death ironic, a few are not as convinced.
""Wayne's death is so ... contrived,"" says friend Nico Allison, 20, who met Duchene last year at the Park Street Dig and Save when they both reached for a gas station attendant shirt that read, ""Steve.""
""It reminds me of everything else I read in the obituaries— it's as stale as Gritty Nutshire's lyrics,"" Allison said.
However, most of Duchene's hipster peers are incredibly distraught by the event.
""Blows that the guy's dead and everything, but I really hope to get a hold of that extensive-ass vinyl collection,"" says DJ Tit Stank 3.0, 21, who, working together with Duchene on the university's music committee, was responsible for bringing a band who you wouldn't even know the name of anyway to the Memorial Union for a free show in 2008 ""before they went mainstream.""
Duchene, who considered himself a semi-pro photographer, rode his fixed-gear bike to Madison's farmers' market every Saturday morning—rain, shine and even hungover to buy organic fruits and vegetables that he would subsequently photograph with a lomographic camera. To help keep his eco-friendly and artistic legacy alive, an anonymous coworker has decided to tattoo Duchene's catchphrase, ""Gotta go organic!"" on his left forearm in fish-eyed lens font.
Duchene, referred to as a ""theme party connoisseur"" by those who knew him best, will not have a wake. Instead, his roommates have created a Facebook event entitled, ""Wayne Duchene Memorial Theme Partay"" to honor his memory. Guests are invited to create their own spins on Duchene's style, but they are absolutely required to wear a black mourning cardigan and non-prescription glasses. One roommate told the public that extra costumes will not be provided and the $10 at the door goes not to the hosts, but to a charity dedicated to providing orphans in third-world countries with the dopest Levi 511s imaginable, a charity Duchene supported fervently.
Duchene's current girlfriend, who could not be reached for comment as she was busy doing coke off of a Kurt Vonnegut book, has written a poem in this dark time to help cope with her great loss.
""He's here / Living / in an American Spirit butt / on the sidewalk, still Burning / still blowing / a Euro-style Mullet in the wind/forever and / remembered by / Three Wolf Moon / Three Months Together / forever / f / o / r / e / v / e / r.""
