Maybe you've wanted to try out a show like Showtime's ""Dexter"" and you finally got the DVDs from a friend. Maybe you needed to prove to yourself that ""True Blood"" sounds like a stupid show and found yourself proven profoundly wrong. At any rate, this is a condition that all watchers of great TV will find themselves in: a TV binge. The cursed intersection of addiction and the availability of season box sets.
For me, it started with two weeks glued to my couch recovering from mono, a state that carried me through three consecutive seasons of ""Lost"" watched one disc at a time. For those of you doing the math at home, that's about 4-5 hours of TV at a time. And that's assuming you're too lazy to get up and change the disc to start the whole process over again.
A fellow columnist summarized the process best: ""Uhh... gross.""
If you're trying to diagnose others you suspect are under a TV binge, look for the signs:
1. They constantly talk about their ""new favorite show.""
2. Having minimal contact with the world outside of their show, they try to work quotes into conversation. They're usually a little outdated, since bingers are watching a show outside its original time frame. ""Save the cheerleader, save the world!""
3. If you've seen a series, mark the plot points they mention—do they ask what could be in the Hatch, only to discuss the Looking Glass a few days later?
4. Do they seem pale and nourished on Cheetos alone?
OK, maybe spending a quarter of your day watching TV broken up only by trips to the bathroom or the kitchen for salty snacks isn't exactly something of which to be proud. I figure I'm a little better off since my bathroom is in my kitchen. And yes, natural light and fresh air are starting to burn my skin a little bit. But the shame and degrading personal hygiene are a small price to pay for the hard adrenaline shot to the heart that is a complete series in a week's time.
If you're going to binge, practice safety first. Choose quality series—no one wants to hear you gushing about ""The Sarah Connor Chronicles"" for weeks. Invest in HBO and Showtime box sets to assure quality production values that will make you seem like you're not just trying to avoid writing that English paper, but ""enjoying the acting talents of our generation.""
You might also want a spotter—someone who always watches your addiction series with you. This gives you at least one person who will understand your obsession and is at the same point in the series as you, giving you minimal risk for spoilers when you discuss the show during one of your infrequent trips to somewhere other than your living room. In theory, this also give you someone who will prevent you from staying up until 4 a.m. watching the second season of ""Mad Men.""
Oh, and take a shower every once in a while to wash off all the crumbs and shame. People tend to frown upon that.
Don't worry, Mark's girlfriend makes sure he takes showers often enough that you can't smell the shame. Feel free to get some tips on how to get aging macaroni stains off your shirts by shooting him an e-mail at mriechers@wisc.edu.
