By now, I'm sure you all know some of the major Madison hotspots, including the Memorial Terrace, Bascom Hill and wherever I may be at a given time on campus. However, I'm willing to give away some of the lesser-known hotspots on campus free of charge! Here goes:
Hotspot #1: That spot in College Library where I write small bits of political commentary on the bathroom stalls
Everyone loves a little bathroom wisdom on the walls of bathroom stalls, especially when it's poorly written, spelled incorrectly and contains anywhere from 4-7 swear words. The bathroom stalls are also great places to have intelligent dialogue about the pertinent topics of the week, all while forcefully squeezing excrement out of your anus! Double whammy!
I remember a particularly lively discussion I read a few weeks ago. One concerned bathroom patron had written ""Free Iraq"" in large letters, which was followed by ""...with purchase of Iraq of equal or lesser value"" by another war-conscious, defecating student. Oh, wait. I get it. That's actually pretty funny. Disregard this hotspot.
Hotspot #2: The place where I begged Sherry, my ex-girlfriend, to take me back
Perhaps the least-known yet most important place in the entire isthmus is also one dear to Jon's heart. It's a quaint little nugget located at the corner of College Ct. and Park St. where Sherry dumped me freshman year. Even as I stood outside her third-floor balcony and professed my undying love, she still closed the blinds, turned off her lights and pumped Gloria Gaynor's ""I Will Survive"" to drown out my cries. I firmly stood my ground, holding the cliché stereo over my head and trying to convince her that my alt-rock band was, in fact, going to make it. After a Facebook notification and a 250 ft. restraining order later, our two lives were no longer one. Wait, what was this column about?
OH GOD...SHERRY?! WHY?! YOU ARE MY UNIVERSE...I APPLIED FOR THIS COLUMN AS A CLEVER RUSE TO WIN YOU BACK DEAR GOD WHY?!
(Ahem)
Hotspot #3: The Geology Museum
I have a few lifelong maxims I always swear by: Never go ass to mouth, never drink water after eating Styrofoam packing peanuts and anything with dinosaurs is automatically cool. Thus, through the transitive property (I think), the Geology Museum is one of the hotter spots on campus. For starters, the Geology Museum has two levels...TWO. Second of all, there's the badass glow-in-the-dark rock exhibit in the back. I remember when Sherry and I used to go back there with glow sticks and totally have a makeshift rave party and...uhh...yeah...never see her again. You know what, who cares about the stupid Geology Museum? You can't even ride the giant spinning globe at the entrance, pretending to be a magical, planet-riding space cowboy (believe me, I've asked).
Hotspot #4: McDonald's Late-night Walk-up
Do they award Nobel Peace Prizes for achievement in fast-food brilliance? If so, sign Ronald McDonald up for designing this majestic creation. For those of you unaware of the glory that is McDonald's Walk-up, it is a post-midnight hotspot to end all hotspots. With patrons filled about neck-high with their various suds of choice, the outdoor access point to late-night McDonald's goodness contains a plethora of youthful antics, a wealth of poorly-formed expletives directed at the cashiers and an all-star cast of a menu. My own personal favorite is the breakfast burrito combo with a chocolate milk, and I'd always let Sherry finish my fries...Now I bet she eats her McDonald's fries out of the small of some random guy's back, dipping them lovingly in his sweat after they just finished consummating their relationship. I bet Ronald McDonald is rolling in his grave right now just thinking about how Sherry defiles his fries with her sickening debauchery.
Hotspot #5 Picnic Point
Ah, yes...Picnic Point. Besides the picturesque view, the gentle caress of waves rhythmically lapping their swan song on the shores, Picnic Point is also famous for being the place where Sherry and I got to second and a half base for the first time. It...was...magical...(muffled sobs)...OH GOD SHERRY! WHY?! DID I DRIVE YOU AWAY?! INTO THE ARMS OF THOSE FOUR MEN THAT WERE IN YOUR NEW PROFILE PIC AFTER WE BROKE UP?!
SHERRY?! MY CAPS LOCK IS STUCK OH GOD.
Are you sick of Jon's juvenile obsession with his ex-girlfriend? Send him an e-mail at spike@wisc.edu.
