With the recent outbreak of swine flu—I mean H1N1—on campus I figured every student will have several choices when faced with this menacing disease, and I find it my duty to present to the student body one previously unmentioned alternative to fighting off the flu.
I've decided to try to contract and spread influenza intentionally. Getting the flu certainly isn't pleasant and is rarely considered fun, but I don't think it always has to be as horrible as most people find it to be. I think deciding on your own terms when you're going to get sick will make the whole experience a lot easier to deal with.
I plan on picking a long weekend where it will be convenient for me to fall deathly ill—before the first wave of midterms but after it's too cold to enjoy the weather. Though I caution: Plan your outbreak carefully or you could find yourself wheezing through two in-class essays or missing Badger gameday shenanigans.
I'll walk into UHS, lick every door handle, pen, nurse and sickly looking person and return to my bed to await the myriad symptoms and H1NFun to follow.
Other possible options are trying to stave off the virus by taking vitamins, eating fruits and veggies and getting 7.5 hours of sleep a night... but to me, that's just too much effort.
UHS, Chancellor Biddy and a growing list of university officials have all sent out e-mails detailing how students can ward off death by washing their hands and whatnot, but instead I offer a few ideas on how to keep yourself sane and entertained once you do get ill (which apparently 40 percent of you will).
My first plan of action, once befallen with the feared H1N1, will be to contaminate my boyfriend and roommates so that I'll have playmates while I'm holed up in my apartment. And since vomiting isn't a common symptom of H1N1 I won't have to worry about excessive messes with four sick people in one house.
I figure I'll have about 48 hours of feeling truly shitty, but after that I'll have at least a week to ride out my flu symptoms and enjoy my sick-leave from life.
My nails are in serious need of polishing, and my boyfriend—who has a shitty immune system due to his hatred of vitamins and vegetables and belief that all the nutrients he needs are contained in a can of Miller Lite—has eyebrows that are begging to be tweezed.
I also plan on playing copious amounts of Mall Madness and watching all three seasons of ""Dexter"" on repeat until I recover. Nothing makes me feel better than chugging Gatorade and watching a sexy serial killer stalk around Miami.
Getting sick isn't a very common occurrence for me. Once in fourth grade, I got food poisoning after eating a bratwurst before the schoolwide talent show and threw up backstage all over my violin and Nicole Medina.
After that, I've dealt with my fair share of colds and sinus infections and the occasional herpes outbreak (OK, that last one was a bit of a stretch, but I'm seriously illness-free and my list was too short and boring) but not a shut-myself-away-from-the-world case of the flu since grammar school.
I don't think being sick should have to be a sad and solitary thing. Misery loves company, and H1N1 loves a party. So, instead of carrying around a bottle of Germ-X in your back pocket, embrace a relaxing couple of guilt-free class-skipping, calling-in-sick-to-work days.
The semester is going to be long and hard enough; we don't all need to worry about Lysoling our lecture desks, obsessive-compulsively washing our hands and avoiding contact with other human beings until winter break. Go out, have some fun, get the flu... and get over it.
If you want to join Jillian for her Swine Flu Soiree, e-mail her at jlevy2@wisc.edu, but move quickly because demand is high and spots are filling up fast.
