Not everyone reads. I've always had this sneaking and somewhat disturbing suspicion. To tell you the truth, sometimes I'd wake up in a cold sweat at the thought that someone, somewhere, actually does not like reading. Ever.
Fortunately, like the night terrors I get after watching ""The Descent,"" the rocking back and forth ends when the sun comes up, and once again there's enough light to read by. I renew my faith in my own personal religion, which doubles as a fantasy, where I believe everyone reads books and likes it. Unfortunately I still have this sneaking suspicion most people revert to Facebook and Twitter for their daily doses of ""literature.""
What I really want to do is bring the book back from the afterlife where it resides. Call it ""Dawn of the Dead(words)"" or ""The Exorcist (of literature)."" Aside from the embarrassingly titled comeback for books, my mission from now, until well, forever, is to bring the English nerd out in all my fellow peers. I know it's hidden in the depths of everyone's soul, that unspoken need to read something other than, ""At the library! Ikno KRAZY right? Lolz.""
My quest is to help everyone, including those science and math people who, from what I can tell, basically avoid the written word like the plague. I'm also pretty sure the last ""classic"" book for a lot of people began with ""good night"" and ended with ""moon.""
If my obsessive need to help people read is scaring you, don't worry. I'll start off slow. Not everyone feels the need for their summer reading list to include ""Anna Karenina"" or ""Moby Dick"" (though I thought the raunchy metaphors involved were hilarious).
Even starting off with movies could be a good idea. Who doesn't remember seeing, or being dragged to, ""Pride and Prejudice"" a la Kiera Knightly? Wait, before turning away in disgust of yet another descriptor of that sappy love story, stop, and imagine how much better it would be with zombies. That's right Elizabeth Bennet, her immortal love Mr. Darcy and zombies. No, it's not a b-list movie no one's ever heard of, someone has written it. ""Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"" by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith can now be found in bookstores that exist other than in my own imagination. Now instead of falling asleep over a love story, Mr. Darcy will appear in everyone's dreams covered in gore from fighting off brain-eating zombies.
Maybe I'm wrong. It is possible people who don't appreciate love stories or zombies are out there, though I seriously doubt these people exist. Even so, a book for these imaginary people, who probably prefer nonfiction with coloring and stickers, can be obtained. For example the old but still good, ""I Am America (And So Can You)"" by Stephen Colbert includes the things listed above as well as surveys, dance lessons and games. Really, barely any reading involved.
Now that I've covered reading material for even the most obstinate of readers, I don't have to worry anymore... right?
Think the novel is dead and not even zombies can resurrect it? Tell Alex at kuskowski@wisc.edu
