Now, I'm not one to claim I can foresee the future. I'm certainly no psychic, but I did watch two episodes of ""Crossing over with Jonathan Edwards"" once. I also totally called that Lance Bass was gay. Swish!
Regardless, I have some strong inklings about next year that I just can't ignore—inklings that manifest in the form of a burning sensation when I urinate. Well, at least I hope that's an inkling about the future...
I guess that's another story for another column. Without further interruption, I give you Jon's bold predictions for the fall semester:
Prediction #1: Badger Football will finish with a 4-17 record.
Now I can just hear the cynics going to town on me already: ""But Jon, the Badgers only play around 12 games, with the chance at one additional bowl game!"" You obviously aren't seeing the big picture. With the state of the economy, Badger athletics are going to have to rely on desperate measures. Translation: Scheduling 10 extra home games against mid-major opponents in order to create a massive revenue stream. The only caveat? The Badger football team, drunk on confidence and Open Pantry food and beverage, will stroll into the games completely unprepared. A year later, Badger football will switch to a 162-game schedule. Don't believe me? I'll be the guy waiting over at gate M in Camp Randall saying I told you so. Keep an eye out for me, Badger fans.
Prediction #2: Crime will go down, but criminals breaking out in song and dance numbers will exponentially increase.
Campus safety has become paramount to just about every single facet of our fair city. The university is doing everything it can to assure students they are safe on the streets. Our Common Council alders prioritize downtown lighting and neighborhood watch programs. The verdict: It will pay off and campus safety will thrive, but we'll face some unexpected consequences. The criminals, unable to cope with the increased safety measures, will be forced to express their frustration via complex dance routines under the glow of city streetlights and ear-bursting solos featuring lots of high-octave jumps. At that point, our city and campus leaders will face a herculean decision: Avoiding another off-Broadway knockoff of ""Rent"" on our streets, or sacrificing the well-being of student and citizen safety. Those look like comfortable shoes Chancellor Biddy Martin wears, but I would not want to be in them for that life-altering decision.
Prediction #3: My ex-girlfriend Sherry will return my calls.
Seriously, we had been going out three months, and suddenly she's too good to talk to me after we break up?! ARE YOU GOING TO PRETEND LIKE THOSE THREE MONTHS NEVER HAPPENED, SHERRY?! ARE YOU?! THIS COLUMN WAS FOR YOU!
Prediction #4: Mountain Dew will become the official sponsor for UW-Madison.
After taking intense heat and scrutiny for not bringing enough ""extreme"" change to the UW-Madison campus, Chancellor Biddy Martin will take the criticism much too literally. Seconds after the complaint, Martin will contact Mountain Dew headquarters, yell ""EXTREEEEEME"" into the receiver, and hang up. Within days, UW-Madison will never be the same.
Bascom Hill will be converted into an eXXXtreme downhill snowboarding slope, covered with half pipes, jumps and grind rails. The history department will be replaced by MOUNTAIN BIKING STUDIES, and professors will be replaced by blaring stereos playing metal music with heavy bass riffs. Final exams will consist of every student in a class racing to the top of a snow-covered mountain for a single can of Vault Energy Drink. The grading system will be changed to the ""X"" system, in which you are graded on a scale of Extreme to Exxxxxxxxtreme (the more x's, the better).
Prediction# 5: Jon Spike will win a Nobel Prize for his page 2 column.
I'll make Mother Teresa look like Michael Vick. Bet on it.
Do you have a bold, Mountain Dew-related prediction for the upcoming school year? Send Jon an e-mail at spike@wisc.edu.
